THE SENSUAL BAGEL
THE SENSUAL BAGEL
By Arty Nelson
You're in that precarious high-end wasteland, and you're just not sure how you want to play it at lunch. You want answers, but you're afraid. Orso's scary, Locanda Veneta is even scarier (and not as good), and Barefoot's not bad, but you don't feel like making a whole big thing of it. Matter of fact, all you want to do is eat and run, spend four bucks and fill up your belly enough to keep the vultures at bay for a while.
What to do, what to do? Then you see it, that little storefront that seems to care about as much as you could ever want it to. The people inside are nice; you get the love you feel you've always sort of, kind of, deserved, and where are you? The famed Bagel Broker, that's where.
To be more specific, I went to the Bagel Broker myself not long ago and enjoyed the “Everything” bagel with chicken salad and a slice of cheddar cheese melted on top. The thing didn't change my life, but it achieved a certain goodness I won't deny I'm thinking about right now, in a way that would most definitely be called “lascivious.” Really prurient thoughts that involve me and a B-plus bagel in a dark room with a bullhorn and some masking tape. Because sometimes, let's face it, you just don't want to get all crazy until you have the right food products in your general area. You want room to move, and always, always, always plenty of latitude, because that might be the single most crucial factor in anyone's life. And then, just when you don't think you can take it anymore, you get all crazy with the bagel in question.
I had always driven by the Bagel Broker on Beverly and thought to myself, “Hey, dog, you should try that sometime.” But, like I said, it was not until recently, with a trip to Cedars under my belt, that I made the move I'm telling you about right now.
I would recommend this place, but for a lot of different reasons other than the sheer poetry of it all – and when I say that, maybe what's actually happening is I'm slipping? Maybe. Stranger things have come down the pike, and when it comes to slipping – like, if you perused the meaning in Webster's – it's very well likely what you'll see is a picture of someone not totally unlike me. I'm the kind of guy who slips and slides his way around, looking for that quick hit, that easy answer. The gentler, softer way has always been my favorite.
Still, I would have to say that the cheddar jalapeño spread, as well as the veggie (regrettably, I didn't try the strawberry), are items I would take to the grave with me, or at least on a long journey during which unspeakable things would happen with a pair of sexy dwarfs and a trunk full of banana hammocks, but that's a whole other story.
When all is said and done, the best and safest thing to do is to stop at either Bagel Broker location and pick yourself up a pumpernickel, or an onion, of one of those super-sexy bialys, get it toasted, and slap some fancy cream cheese on top of it. And then maybe enjoy one of those elite-type smoothies in the plastic bottle that makes you feel semi-healthy, even though they're packed with sugar, and go ahead and spend a few minutes with yourself and that little carb-y treat.
Because it's true what they say, that life's short, but there's plenty of time for completely unpleasant things to rain down on you from all sides. People break your heart, and then they come back and prove themselves, and money is almost always some kind of an issue. Either you don't have enough and the pressure's unbearable, or you have a little too much and everyone around you sort of hates you, even when they're enjoying the benefits of said fortune. In the end, sitting anonymously at a place like Bagel Broker, with a few minutes to kill and something crusty-yet-gooey rolling around in your mouth, might easily be the best 20 minutes you spend tomorrow. And, hey, the bagels are only 75 cents, which is nothing to piss and moan about. In fact, that's what makes a little midday celebration entirely possible. Do it!Published: 01/27/2005
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