SADDLE UP THE BRAIN POLICE
'Decency' is not the only reason some lawmakers want the FCC to regulate cable
By Mick Farren
"Money doesn't talk, it swears."
-Bob Dylan
o yet again paraphrase Capt. Willard in Apocalypse Now, "The bullshit piles up so fast in the media that you need wings to stay above it." Over the last couple of weeks, Robin Williams was censored by ABC on the same Oscar show for which Chris Rock was hired to add some edge but then put on dump-out delay. ABC News ducked reality by running a two-hour Peter Jennings special on UFOs instead of real news, while the Bush White House was caught using Armstrong Williams, the scary-weird Jeff Gannon, and at least four other phony journalists to support its own palace of illusions. The Adelphia cable company planned to run hardcore porn on pay-per-view, but then chickened out, while Clint Eastwood, of all people, was branded a soulless Blue State liberal, and a massive spoiler was handed to anyone who had yet to see Million Dollar Baby.
Meanwhile, over on Capitol Hill, Sen. Ted Stevens (R-Alaska) and Rep. Joe Barton (R-Texas) started raising a well-publicized ruckus about how FCC decency enforcement should be extended to include cable and satellite programming.
As it stands, the broadcast indecency legislation that has already passed the House and is currently making its way through the Senate is simultaneously obscene and ludicrous. Once it's signed into law by George Bush, the bottom line will be that, if you or I go on local radio and repeat the Willard line quoted above, we can be fined a half-million bucks and our property seized without ever once going in front of a judge. If the same FCC censorship power is extended to cable, we can kiss goodbye to Bill Maher, Larry Sanders, The Sopranos, Deadwood, Queer as Folk, South Park, The L Word, and whatever comes next for the Sex and the City demographic. Worse, we won't be able to see an uncut, uncensored copy of Raging Bull, Schindler's List, or the aforementioned Apocalypse Now except on DVD, even though we're paying through the nose for subscription TV.
Stevens and Barton don't even feel the need to fabricate any clear and present cable danger from which we need to be protected. (Except maybe saving Middle America from an unrestrained Howard Stern on Sirius.) They can't invoke the Maude Flanders rationale of "What about the children?" because cable and satellite come loaded with more than enough parental shut-outs for anyone who isn't too lazy or stupid to follow the set up window. All they have is the arbitrary concept of a single "standard of decency." As Stevens told the National Association of Broadcasters, "Cable is a much greater violator in the indecency area. I think we have the same power to deal with cable as over-the-air. The problem is most viewers don't differentiate between over-the-air and cable." Thus, on the premise that the American people are too benightedly pig-ignorant to make their own choices, Ted and Joe are happy to saddle up the Brain Police, wreck the cable industry on the eve of full TV-on-demand, and march a jackboot through constitutional free expression.
The only mildly good news is that Sen. Stevens, at least, may only be saddling up the Brain Police as easy conservative pandering while opening up Alaska to the oil barons and never meeting a dollar he doesn't like. Last Wednesday, a $5,000-a-head fundraiser was held for Washington lobbyists, with proceeds going to something called the Ted Stevens Foundation - described on the invitation as "an Alaska nonprofit corporation created by Alaskans to recognize and honor the career and public service of the state's senior senator." Although supposedly set up to "improve communications among Alaskans," the TSF isn't associated with any academic institution, and only exists as a voice mailbox at the office of Stevens's campaign treasurer. The Washington Post described the situation as "malodorous" and "having the inevitable air of a shakedown." Can't add too much to that, except to reflect that Time Warner will, I hope, buy off these jackasses, so we don't have to junk HBO as meaningless. But the combination of the bigoted control freaks and sleazy power hustlers is dangerous, volatile, and needs to be constantly watched.Published: 03/10/2005
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