Five Hundred
By Steve Lowery
Monday, June 16
Well, you know what they say, the early birds get the gay worm – wait– who would say that? Anyway, gay marriage becomes legal late this afternoon and a few quick trigger cupids get a jump on love and take the big leap. TV cameras are there as longtime couples tie the knot and, seeing the scene replayed over and over again, with beaming men and women, I must admit to having some very negative feelings about all of this gay marriage business:
Disappointment: So here are the legions of happy gay and lesbian couples: smiling, crying, loving, kissing, disgusting. Where’s the hotness? The forbiddenness? The sass? The hot, hot, forbidden sass? If moving pictures and television programs have taught us anything, it’s that gay and lesbian couples revel in hot fun while retaining a good-humored wisdom rivaled only by elderly African-Americans and dudes on Death Row. But these people are so god-awful human, I just can’t bear it.
Confusion: Why does anyone care about any of this? Can anyone look at these sweet, stupid, happy, dopey, horribly standard faces and say they pose a threat to anything besides the blues? How will a bunch of people being with the people they love affect your life except to make your community stronger, happier and more committed? The only reason I can think of for anyone to be offended by homosexual marriage is that they are really offended by homosexual sex. If that’s the case, relax. Nothing will stop gay sex quicker than gay marriage. That and open-toed sandals.
Sadness: In all of this discussion of constitutional rights and culture wars, there has been one segment of the clash pretty much forgotten: the commitment-phobic gay and lesbian player. Let’s face it, for a long time – well, forever – these folks have had what many straights could only dream about: a government-mandated Get-Out-Of-Marriage-Free card. Now that’s gone and they quickly will have to figure some other alibi for not pulling the trigger. I wish I could help, but my go-to was always “I am gay.”
Tuesday, June 17
In last week’s paper I may have suggested – as fact – that the Lakers would win game six of the NBA Finals by eight points, thereby forcing a game seven which they would win with Kobe Bryant scoring 56 points. My prediction turns out to be eerily close save for the fact that the Celtics win the game, and championship, by 39 points. And folks are angry and pissed and want to blow up the team. Calm down. Yes, they got blown out, but good teams get blown out all the time. The great 1972 Laker team of West and Chamberlain got crushed by 22 points by the Knicks – and it wasn’t that close – in the opening game of the NBA finals and came back to win the series. The 1985 Laker team that finally beat the Celtics lost 148-114 in what came to be known as the Memorial Day Massacre. With the exception of the last game, the Lakers had opportunities to win in the fourth quarter of every game they lost. The fact is that if you told a Laker fan at the beginning of the season that this team, one of the youngest in the league, would make the conference finals, let alone the league finals, they would have been ecstatic. The Lakers will be a year older and better and the team figures to follow that familiar path of the Isiah Thomas Pistons, Michael Jordan Bulls and Shaq/Kobe Lakers by incrementally moving their way up the playoff ladder toward a title. That isn’t to say anything is guaranteed. For one, the one-hit wonder Celtics appear to be capable of at least a couple more championship runs. The Western Conference figures to be even better with a more defense-minded Phoenix, the mundanely brilliant Spurs, and a New Orleans team not only a year better but that promises to torture L.A. since the Lakers’ two defensive weaknesses are guarding quick penetrating guards and the pick and roll – which just happen to be the Hornets’ two strengths. And then there’s a little team called Portland that, with center Greg Oden healthy and hammering shots in the paint, will be next season’s Hornets. It’s going to be great NBA season. Unfortunately, it doesn’t begin for almost six months. Somehow, we’ll just have to get through the next few months of, eeehhh, baseball but soon enough it will be time for professional football and we can all root for our local NFL franchise: Go Trojans!
Wednesday, June 18
Marc Reitmer, a 19-year-old Navy medic with dreams of becoming a doctor, dies in Afghanistan when his Humvee is hit by a Taliban rocket. Reitmer is the 500th Californian to die in Iraq or Afghanistan and the seventh from Hemet.
Thursday, June 19
The Hollywood Chamber of Commerce, the folks who work hard to ensure their streets have that just-peed-on smell to them, announce who will be enshrined in their hallowed Walk-of-Fame, also known as, “Who’s Mace Neufeld?” and “Did you step in it?” Along with some obvious, no-brainer, mega-famous choices – i.e. Dave Koz and the guy who wrote “Smokin’ in the Boys Room” – there is, in this celebratory week of gay love, a decidedly gay feel with the inclusion of such rainbow warriors as Tinker Bell, the Village People and beefcake bros William H. Macy and Charles Durning.
Friday, June 20
So hot. I’m in the ancestral hometown of Downey today and it is somewhere between 103 and conflagration. Luckily it’s a dry conflagration.
Saturday, June 21
Is local news even lamer as when it’s reporting on heat? Yeah, they do rain pretty bad, coming up with some Defcon-sounding title – “Stormwatchkilleralldie 2008!” – and talking to people about how they’re going to handle whatever moist layer of film drops from the sky: “Uh, just trying to stay dry.” But heat is worse because there’s nothing to actually show. So we end up with establishing shots of the sun. Like the sun just showed up, today. These are followed by, “Uh, just trying to stay cool,” and shots of kids at local beaches splashing in the water while trying to avoid staph infection.
Sunday, June 22
Five hundred.?
Published: 06/25/2008
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