Holiday Stimulus Package

Just in time for the final days of the Shopocalypse, we’ve put together this festive, fun, unique assemblage of our favorite holiday picks, all made in L.A. or sold here. From the edible to the eco-trendy and the eye-popping, we’ve got something affordable for everyone on your list – beauty queens, drag queens, tree huggers, wee huggers (kids), wine snobs, gadget geeks and more. (Killer East L.A. tamales included.) Just for fun, we’ve thrown in a few ridiculously high-end means of communicating holiday cheer, including a 24-karat gold vibrator (bang!), a personal Guinness Pub, and even a perky new rack (not the kind for wine). So, from the City Beat family to yours, we give you our fabulous “Holiday Stimulus Package.”

$0 Walking in L.A.
There’s no better way to get to know a city than to get lost in it for hours on foot. There’s also no better way to get mugged. So, please, do a few thousand worried Midwestern moms a favor: Give their aspiring-actor offspring the gift of knowing where the hell they are in the cruel, 100-block maze that is downtown. Of course, nothing says old-school like a $14 Thomas Guide. But there’s a better way and it’s free: be a dear and download one of Downtown LAWalks’ free walking-tour podcasts into your F.O.B. friend’s iPod or mp3 player. If they don’t have one, loan them yours. Better yet, get out there and hoof it with them. Download four 11-to-18-stop strolls: the Arts and Culture Tour, downtown’s grandest art venues (from the Cathedral of our Lady of the Angels to Exposition Park); the Shopping Tour (from the St. Vincent Jewelry Center to the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising); the International Tour, downtown’s many worldly highlights, from Central Plaza to 410 Boyd; and the Historic Tour, from Union Station to the Central Public Library. Blisters included. www.downtownlawalks.com.

$0 Peace, Love and Free Art
Picky artsy/culture types are difficult to buy for any time of year. No-return original art isn’t usually affordable, and it’s risky. Save your friend the hassle of hanging unwanted pictures of martini-drinking cats shooting craps with a dog that looks like Sinatra every time you visit. Give them what they really want – the “experience” of art and culture – for free. Zero wrapping paper, zero investment. A surprisingly long list of L.A. art, culture and science museums offer free admission, some seven days a week, others on select days only. To get you started, we give you 10 that cost nothing all the time: California African American Museum, Exposition Park, California Science Center, also in Exposition Park; UCLA Fowler Museum of Cultural History, Westwood; the Getty Center, Brentwood; the Getty Villa, Pacific Palisades; Hollywood Bowl Museum, Hollywood; MOCA, Los Angeles; the Pacific Design Center, West Hollywood; the Paley Center for Media (formerly the Museum of Television and Radio), Beverly Hills, and the Santa Monica Museum of Art. There’s only one catch. Your gift: you pay for the parking. www.caamuseum.org; www.californiasciencecenter.org; www.fowler.ucla.edu; www.getty.edu; www.hollywoodbowl.com; www.moca.org; www.pacificdesigncenter.com; www.paleycenter.org; www.smmoa.org.

$1.50 The Incredible, Edible East L.A. Tamale
Tamales are like weed – bagged in someone’s Boyle Heights’ kitchen, sold on the down-low, addictive. Score some from a sketchy dealer and you get schwag. Score from a well-connected hookup with a solid reputation and you get the good shit every time. Don’t know any off-the-books masa knuckled tamaleras? You could either troll the barrio back streets or follow the enormous, hours-long line (it starts at 5 a.m.!) spilling down Cesar Chavez Avenue to legendary Tamales Lilianas, where the steamed, cornhusk-jacketed traditional Mexican holiday treats are much cheaper ($1.50 cada uno) than the illegal street version and every bit as spicy, moist and fluffy. Choose from chile rojo con puerco (red chile with pork); chile verde con puerco (green chile with pork); chile verde con queso (green chile with Monterey Jack cheese); rajas con queso (pepper sticks with cheese); pollo con verduras (chicken and veggies); dulce pasitas con pina (dessert! sweet raisins with pineapple) and elote (plain corn). Vámanos, spice up that boring office Christmas party with una docena ($17.00) and give the stiffs something to chisme about. Don’t forget to pick up a hearty bowl of rico menudo for the morning after. Tripe (stomach) is medicine for hangovers. Tamales Lilianas 4629 E. Cesar Chavez Ave., Los Angeles, (323) 780-0989.

$4.99 Shudder to Think Shades
We’re not sure why, but shudder shades are back. A penny shy of a five-spot buys you a blindingly bright pair from our favorite local online “urban trendoid” headquarters, Van Nuys-based icedoutgear.com. Shudder shades are “way more computer-rock-weird-science and severe” than their equally whack ’80s predecessor, aviator sunglasses as one fashion blogger put it. At this price, you can afford to stuff every stocking with every color: yield sign yellow, hot pink, neon green, and white glow-in-the-dark. What’s next? Lopsided new wave bob cuts? Wait, too late. 17216 Saticoy St., Van Nuys, (866) 44-BLING. www.icedoutgear.com.

$5 to $24 Travel Light
L.A.-based Flight 001 takes the hassle out of airport security with those clear plastic “liquid” baggies we’ve grown to loathe ever since the loonies ruined flying for the rest of us. The hand-sized containers range from $5 to $24 and work for the most travel essentials (liquid and not), everything from a To Go Bottle Set (seven regulation three-ounce travel bottles – how convenient) to Coghlan’s famous Survival Kit-in-a-Can (including: sardines; a bullion packet; fishing hooks; gum; one note; one pencil; two cubes of fire starter; one tea bag and a packet of sugar – how about a cigarette, a shot of whiskey and some cyanide?). Our favorites in the shop’s small luggage section are the bright yellow “Obscenity” luggage tags (pick up four for $24) that passive-aggressively articulate what we wish we could Tourette’s at fellow aggravation spiral (baggage carousel) luggage stalkers: Move your *%!?#!, so I can dive bomb my luggage and go home! We sprang for a sturdy stain-resistant luggage strap that tells fellow travelers (or your sig other or your kids or anyone) to simply “Go Away!” Flight 001, 8235 W. 3rd St., Los Angeles, (323) 966-0001. www.flight001.com.

$5.50 to $8.95 Bath Bombs Away!
A hundred years ago baths were a luxury. We might soon suffer in our own stink for days on end if we don’t protect the world’s diminishing fresh water supply in, like, the next five minutes. So lavish in a soothing soak while you can with someone you love (or want to or just can’t but wouldn’t mind seeing naked anyway) this holiday season. When you take the plunge, “don’t waste the opportunity and put some mediocre, nondescript cheap bathing stuff in it,” says Brandi Halls of LUSH Cosmetics. Drop in a fragrant, fizzing ball of LUSHness, a.k.a. a slow-dissolving carbonated Bath Bomb. LUSH’s baseball-sized bain ballistics are made from fresh-picked organic (well, 70 percent organic) fruits, flowers and herbs. Better make room in your bubble buddy’s fridge. Every LUSH product – soap, shower jelly, lotion, lip balm, natural hair colorant, etc. – is vegetarian, preservative free and “best before” dated, like the sweets they look and smell freakishly like. Our faves: slippery Gold, Frankincense and Beer Shower Jelly, $5.50 (hard on the eyes, easy on the skin); the glam glitter-filled Jingle Spells Bath Bomb, “an herbal hangover cure from Santa,” $5.50; LUSH Pud Bath Bomb, $5.50, a spicy almond pudding for the bath “to help you rejoin the human race after all that holiday partying,” $5.50; and the “Go Green” solid citrus perfume for “eco-warriors, enviro-mentals and cycle paths.” LUSH Cosmetics, 1404 3rd St. Promenade, Santa Monica, (310) 255-0030. www.lushusa.com.

$7 Give the Shit List
Revenge is one thing, but organized, methodical, slow-release revenge is just plain evil, which is why KNOCK KNOCK’s “Shit List” makes the perfect funny ha, ha gift for the bitter, grudge holders on your list. Basically, everyone. We imagine tight-ass HR bosses particularly taking pleasure in this 60-spreadsheet notepad, an Excel-precise outlet for systematically rating violations and carefully plotting payback (check one: “stew,” “confront,” “avenge,” “talk shit,” “ignore”…. What? No “fired”?). More listmania: the “Why I Must Have Sex With You” list (check “please,” “pretty please,” “I’ll pay you,” and “or else”); the “Don’t Kill the Kids” list for inexperienced babysitters (and on-again-off-again baby daddies), the relationship-saving (or killing?) “Mood Alert” list and “Things You Could Do to Make Me Happier” list; and a dozen more that we can’t possibly, uh, list here. Alpha, 8625 Melrose Ave., West Hollywood, (310) 855-0775. www.alpha-man.com.

$17.99 Booty Call in a Bag
For the cold-hearted players on your list, and there are probably a few, we give you Flight 001’s practical “Shame on You Kit” by Herbal Essentials, for “when you just can’t make it home.” The nifty six-by-six-inch zip-up booty call emergency kit comes with a toothbrush; toothpaste; a one-size-fits-all thong (really?); three condoms (good lord!); a phone card; a packet of pain reliever and a “leave behind note” with an envelope. Play on. Flight 001, 8235 W. 3rd St., Los Angeles, (323) 966-0001. www.flight001.com.

$18 Straight Up on the Rocks
For whiskey aficionados, this swish set of eight Vermont-quarried soapstone cubes will “chill but not dilute” their cherished Whiskey Blitz (or scotch or wine or any liquor of choice, hopefully not Wild Irish Rose in a paper bag). Drop one or two un-meltable “rocks” into a single malt to take the edge off, sit back and get your holiday drink on. Whiskey Stones wait in the freezer until they’re needed, and they’re reusable and easy to clean. Just rinse, refreeze and repeat libation. Fitzsu, 7970 Melrose Ave., Los Angeles, (323) 655-1908. www.fitzsu.com.

$20 Hot Threads for Little Punks
Kids just love getting clothes for Christmas, don’t they? The question is: will you swallow your procreator status this Christmas and do the Walk of Shame to Target, loading up on corporate cookie-cutter baby wear, or suck it up and defiantly dress your offspring like the cool, anti-establishment misfit you used to be (or claimed to have been)? If it’s the former, good luck. You’re on your own. But if you opt for cool, Swivel Industries has you (or in this case, your drool bucket) covered. The graphic designer behind Swivel Industries hot-rod and tiki culture and retro pin-up inspired kid designs is (full disclosure) City Beat’s own Sandy Wachs. His custom “toddler rod wear” T-shirts and Onesies are light wearing, heavy on attitude and made right here in L.A., like we like it. They make swell gifts for the “future heartbreakers and junior hot-rod mechanics” on your list. Choose from a dozen one-of-a-kind “kustomized kid” styles, including “Swifty’s Garage – You Wreck ’Em, We Fix ’Em,” “Li’l Gasser,” and “Hot Rod Buggy,” among others. Infant sizes: three to 18 months. Toddler sizes: two to six years. Are you still punk rock enough, even at the sellout holidays, to give Sweatshop Watch retailers the one-finger salute right where it counts: the cash register? P.O. Box 480355, Dept. CRM, Los Angeles. www.swivelindustries.com.

$22 to $28 Slurp-n-Burp, Baby
Seal Beach designer Theresa Miraglia’s handmade Mini-MANIACS punk rock crumb catchers are big, sturdy cotton/pleather novelty bibs that wipe out pastel overkill and outlast sloppy, inexperienced eaters. Novelty inserts include chunky rapper chains and dollar signs; dice and poker chips; chopsticks and plastic sushi; and safety pins and zippers with no other function than fashion, tucked neatly (and safely) behind clear, mildew-resistant vinyl. You won’t find slurp-and-burp sets with names like these at the Children’s Place: “Poser Baby,” “Ahh So Baby,” “High Roller,” and “G-Dog.” When your baby finally masters saliva control, upgrade to Miraglia’s neo-vintage concert flyer tees, featuring iron-ons of the Dead Kennedys, the Misfits and Social Distortion. SugarBaby, 7523 W. Sunset Blvd., Los Angeles, (323) 969-9143. www.sugarbabyonsunset.com.

$25 The Luxe Life for a Day
Need something for day spa dopamine junkies who can’t afford expensive treatments and massages but still crave the perks? Give them a $25 day pass to Spa Luce, at the Hollywood Renaissance Hotel, just steps away from the Kodak Theatre and the Academy Awards. Minus the massage, facial, and other book-ahead

treatments, your recipient will have access to the rest of the spa: a dreamy eucalyptus steam haven; two cushy, candlelit all-white relaxation lounges stocked with fresh, healthy nibbles and refreshing iced cucumber water; private rain showers complete with aromatherapist-to-the-stars Dr. Sharon Zanadoff’s frothy (unofficially) orangesicle-scented shampoo (8 oz., $22), conditioner (8 oz., $22), and body wash (8 oz., $24); and the best part, access to Wolfgang Puck’s glamorous rooftop pool overlooking the Hollywood sign and Griffith Observatory. The lavish, seven-room spa-sanctuary was the crux of the hotel’s recent $29 million renovation. “Luce,” which means “light” in Italian, was evidently the guiding principle for its sleek, yet tranquil, modern-minimalist design. Soothing natural sunlight glimmers dimly throughout the spa, radiating from behind smooth slabs of chiseled, whitewashed stone imported from Jerusalem, and from a canopy of hollows carved in the ceiling. You’ll be out only 25 bucks and they’ll think you spent a grand. Spa Luce at the Hollywood Renaissance Hotel (at the Hollywood & Highland Center), 1755 N. Highland Ave., Hollywood, (323) 491-1376. www.spaluce.com.

$29 The Taste of Malibu Grapes
As Christmas gifts go, wine is almost always a safe bet. Just don’t show up with a bottle of two-buck Chuck. Not even frilly bows and velvet drawstring bags can fix crappy taste. Support local vintners this year and introduce your party host to Rosenthal, the Malibu Estate wines. “Yes, these wines are from grapes grown in Malibu, not on the famous (Baywatch) beach, but in a scenic valley four miles from the coast, 1,400-feet up, above the coastal fog, in Malibu Newton Canyon.” You might recognize the Rosenthal brand from wine lists at the Beverly Hills Hotel, Hotel Bel-Air and dozens of local steakhouses. Give-to-get works best with wine. Besides, drinking alone on Christmas is suicidal. Share a bottle – or two or three – with the person you gave it to. A portion of the proceeds benefits the Surfrider Foundation when you buy either the Surfrider 2007 Pinot Gris, $20 a bottle; or the surfboard-labeled 2004 Surfrider Malibu Newton Canyon Red Wine, $29 a bottle. Or give the gift that keeps on giving all year, the Rosenthal Wine Club. Price varies based on number of bottles per month. Here’s to a long, sloppy night of Christmas cheer and a tipsy New Year. 29000 Newton Canyon Rd., Malibu, (800) 814-0733. www.rosenthalestatewines.com.

$30 to $203 Wetsuits for DigiCams
Underwater (not just waterproof) digital camera cases make nice gifts for snow bunnies, beach bums, surfers, sailors, divers and snorkelers. Several major brands manufacture the lightweight snap-on cases, including Canon, Fujifilm, Kodak, Olympus, Panasonic and Nikon. The clear, durable polycarbonate frames protect your investment up to 130-feet deep in the drink, out in the pouring rain or snow, or in almost anything else that feverish Mother Nature hurls at us. 9997 E. Rose Hills Rd., Whittier, (800) 390-1119. www.newegg.com.

$35 to $135 Guilt-Free Gift Basketry
We know, we know. You cringe at the idea of giving generic, factory-packed gift baskets. They’re outdated, loaded with space cheese and mystery meat best left to silver-haired “secretaries.” Or so we thought – until we stumbled upon Lula Organic’s adorable line of “modern, organic, planet-friendly” gift baskets. Easily handle the Prius-driving crunchy granolas off your list with these green beauty baskets: “In the Raw,” an earthy straw basket bundle of sustainable, fair trade exfoliation and relaxation essentials ($85); “Every Man,” a “spit kit” complete with a Preserve razor, dye-free Every Man Jack shaving gel and other metrosexual skin stuff in a handsome wooden box ($45); and, for every man’s best friend, the ultimate “Doggy Bag,” a reusable jute tote filled with Happy Tails paraben-free fur shampoo, organic apples and molasses bone-treats, a hemp rope toy – that unfortunately does not work like catnip – and, of course, a slobber-resistant tennis ball ($75). Each guilt-free basket bundle is crafted by hand at Lula’s Venice Beach location (no store, order by phone or online) using au natural and vegan skin care goodies packed in attractive reusable containers and eco-consciously shipped with biodegradable cellophane, cornstarch peanuts, etc. Take that, Harry and David! Lula Organics, 361 Vernon Ave., Venice, (310) 663-9250. www.lulaorganics.com.

$50 Relaxing Recess Mani-Pedi
Recess for Your Hands and Feet is the country’s first (yes, first!) vegan, non-toxic, 100 percent eco-built nail salon. Owner Nidhi Lal was obsessed with banning anything toxic from the upscale, 2,000-square-foot boutique spa. You could practically eat every inch and live to tell: from the rustic post-and-beam ceiling to the slick no-VOC emitting resin floor, to every last vegan paint drop that touches clients’ nails, right down to the oxygen they breathe. Yes, the air, which always reeks of acetone and acrylic at traditional nail salons, smells vanilla sweet and coconutty here, like warm macaroons. No surgical mask required. Recess offers two long-lasting eco-friendly nail lacquers, vegan recycled glass SpaRitual and all-natural Zoya. Both are free of synthetic dyes and, of course, the Toxic Three – toluene, formaldehyde and dibutyl phthalate. Get on your mother-in-law’s good side this Christmas and spoil her with (about) an hour and 15 minutes of deluxe, green-guilt free mani-pedi bliss. She’ll get an amazingly gentle nail shaping and buff; an organic scented salt soak of her choice; TLC cuticle care; vigorous, hydrating hands and feet massages; a soothing aromatic footbath and three brilliant coats of the purest polish on the planet. You get her off your back, at least for another year. Maybe. 8408-B Beverly Blvd., Los Angeles, (323) 782-9919. www.recess-la.com.

$50 Hide and Wake-Up
Rise and shine, heavy sleepers. Meet Mr. Clocky, a durable, indefatigable digital alarm clock on wheels that beeps bloody murder, then runs away and hides until you come tumbling out of bed. It’s sort of like an annoying kid or yapping dog. Actually, just tap the “off” button, remove the batteries and go back to sleep. Alpha, 8625 Melrose Ave., West Hollywood, (310) 855-0775. www.alpha-man.com.

$50 to $100 Magical Mystery Tour
For the first time in 45 years, the Magic Castle, the private clubhouse for the Academy of Magical Arts and world’s most exclusive members-only magician’s fraternity, opens its doors to the public for behind-the-scenes VIP tours. The Monday, 2 p.m., Hollywood historian-led spoiler tours are offered through the Hollywood Entertainment Museum and include a private magic show (perhaps in the Close-Up Gallery or the Parlour of Prestidigitation), a walk through the Houdini Séance Room and other weird wonders we’re sworn not to tell or we’d have to saw you in half. Students (12-18), $50; adults, $100. The secrets, priceless. 7001 Franklin Ave., Hollywood, (323) 465-7900 x803. Email tours@hollywoodmuseum.com.

$375 Golden Vibes
The golden gift that keeps on giving: the Citizen Little “Gold Fuck” Design vibrator, five-and-a-half AA battery-powered inches of pure vibrating gold. You know what they say. All that quivers is gold and, uh, waterproof. Good vibes are best given in sets of five on the Fifth Day of Christmas. Fitzsu, 7970 Melrose Ave. Los Angeles, (323) 655-1908. www.fitzsu.com.

$4,ooo Plastic Surgery Gift Card
Nothing says unconditional love at the holidays like a perky new rack. Rodeo Drive Plastic Surgery puts out this plastic carte blanche just for the holidays and it actually sells. No, we’re not kidding. Why stop at silicone floaters when you can load up your Barbie (or Ken) Doll’s nip-tuck gift card with even more self-esteem in a scalpel, like, say, a butt lift, a mummy tummy tuck, and, the ultimate Hollywood stocking stuffer, a new nose? Unless you like kissing ass beneath the mistletoe, steer clear of gifting the “fat recycling” surgery, when chub cells are often sucked from the ass and put into the pout. Rodeo Drive Plastic Surgery, 421 N. Rodeo Dr., Beverly Hills, (310) 550-6300. www.rodeodriveplasticsurgery.com.

$250,000 Your Own, Personal Guinness Pub
Muckers don’t let muckers get feckin’ bolloxed alone, especially not at Christmas. It’s a fact. A friend who brings a six-pack of the good stout is a friend indeed. Now you can bring the bar, too – custom-built, fully functional Irish pub, complete with authentic Guinness décor, glassware and a keg-dispenser, plus a year’s supply of fresh Guinness draught and a first-class trip to the St. James’s Gate Brewery in Dublin. Sláinte! What gift tax? Who cares when you’re this loaded and … loaded? Neiman Marcus, 9700 Wilshire Blvd., Beverly Hills, (877) 9NM-GIFT. www.neimanmarcus.com.