Old News: July 3, 2008
Sweet Pixie Poon
By Steve Lowery
Monday, June 23
And so comes video of “surfers” roughing up a few “photographers” on the beach at Malibu. The “photographers” were there to get some shots of actor Matthew McConaughey without his shirt because the world couldn’t get along with the scant 6,439,874 already in existence. It was as they advanced upon the McConaughey that they were set upon by a band of local “surfers” – their rounded guts suggesting they’re paying someone to paddle out for them – who asked them to leave and may have mentioned something about pushing things inside of them. When the “photographers” refused, the “surfers” started yelling and then chased at least one of the “photographers” into the surf, throwing him down and tossing his camera into the ocean. The “photographer’s” brethren, true to a nature which hovers somewhere between lowlife and kid who eats scabs for a quarter, didn’t so much come to their colleague’s aid as film him getting pummeled in hopes of selling it to some desperate “news organization” such as TMZ or the CBS Evening News with Katie Couric.
Tuesday, June 24
A brand-new, 10,000-foot-long taxiway opens on the south airfield at Los Angeles International Airport. The taxiway provides a buffer zone for planes moving between the southern runways at the airport, an area that has been the site of numerous near-misses. In fact, from 2000 to 2003, LAX had the most runway close calls of any U.S. airport, and between 2006 and 2007 there were 16 more. A close call on the ground may not seem like a big deal until you consider that the worst disaster in aviation history occurred on the runway at Tenerife in 1977 when one plane taking off hit another taxiing, resulting in the deaths of 583 people. LAX’s problems had been blamed on a lack of maneuverable space and the fact that most airport personnel were busy being dicks to people just trying to pack nine pieces of luggage into a subcompact car at the curb. Yeah, thanks for the support, tinhorn asswad! The new runways will provide safety and piece of mind and will be available to those willing to pay a safety ($17) and piece of mind ($43) surcharge.
Wednesday, June 25
The Los Angeles Coliseum, home to two Olympics, the original Dodgers, many a classic USC football game, one totally bitchen Ronnie James Dio concert and the kind of trough urinals usually only available to lower animals and higher-class South Carolinians, may be getting a new name. I’ve always been partial to Jack. But this is one of those naming rights situations where some company will slap its name in front of the Coliseum making it the The Terminex Coliseum or some such thing. Selling the naming rights is just one way to raise the $100 million needed for necessary renovations to the Coliseum. You know, there was a time when people were outraged if they slapped some crass corporate logo on an athletic facility, one of the few places where all strata of American culture come together – well, before luxury boxes and seat licenses and separate entrances. But that was at a time when people still got angry if some company tried to use a Beatles song to sell shoes; a different, stupider time, when we had principles and standards and didn’t think the entire purpose of life was the attainment of money and things that money buys. Idiots. Thanks for setting us straight, MTV.
Thursday, June 26
In other landmark news, the L.A. Times Building is for sale. Yes, word comes that new Times owner Sam Zell, who looks a lot like a garden gnome only with more killing power, has decided to sell the building, one of the few recognizable structures downtown. Zell, in an e-mail to remaining Times employees – all 16 – called the building “iconic” and recognized that it was “deeply intertwined with the history of this company,” but said it is underutilized, owing in large part to the fact that he’s laid off most of the staff. This is called self-fulfilling destruction, you know, like Ronald Reagan with the federal government. Zell said selling the building is in “our best interest” (when we went to your schools, your churches, your institutional learning facilities!) which most people believe means he’d like to make as much money off the building as he can so he can chase some sweet, sweet pixie poon.
Friday, June 27
Remember that bit above about us having no principles or standards? Well, today a federal judge issued a restraining order prohibiting the sale of a tape/DVD showing actor Verne “Mini-Me” Troyer having sex with a former girlfriend. The tape was allegedly stolen from the actor’s home and was expected to fetch about $100,000 from adult video distributors. Remember when federal judges made rulings regarding school desegregation? Now they’re necessary to tell us that it’s probably not cool to steal and then sell videos of 2-foot-8 actors having sex. No word if the judge’s order applies to the Blu-ray edition.
Saturday, June 28
The Los Angeles Avengers of the Chuck E. Cheese-inspired Arena Football League fire head coach Ed Hodgkiss after a disappointing season that saw the team miss the AFL playoffs with only four wins in 14 games. Team owner Casey Wasserman announced that along with Hodgkiss, he would also dismiss Brent Winter, whose main duties included directing the offense and making sure the piñata was filled before every game.
Sunday, June 29
The best album this year is Sigur Rós’ Med Sud I Eyrum Vid Spilum Endalaust. Ask for it by name.
Published: 07/02/2008
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