Recipes for Disaster

Summer Dinning at Home
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As a second-generation native of Los Angeles, I can’t think of a better way to spend a warm summer night than sitting out on the patio with a few close friends. Everyone drinking, talking, listening to music, and eating food that’s straight off the grill. Good food – ’cause I cooked it– and so can you.

All you need is a blender, a grill, and one of those gel-based ice cream processors. Here’s some house favorites from“Mom ’N’ Don’s” – where we specialize in fine dining in a casual atmosphere – so sharpen up the Big Knife. And if you want to be the best host(ess) and actually enjoy the festivities ... do as much as you can on the day before your swingin’ soiree.

Your guests are going to be hungry when they arrive, so have something that they can throw down their necks straight away. Get ’em whatever they’re drinking and slap down a platter of:

Tequila & Lime-Marinated Shrimp

Mix 1/2 cup fresh-squeezed lime juice, 1/3 cup tequila, 1/4 cup olive oil, two Tbs. triple sec, two cloves crushed garlic, 1/4 tsp. chili powder, 1/4 tsp. cayenne pepper, 1/4 tsp. black pepper. That's your marinade.

Peel one or two pounds of shrimp, place in large plastic bag with marinade for one hour – any longer and you'll wind up with something like a bad ceviche. Meanwhile, soak some bamboo skewers in water for 30 minutes.

Remove shrimp from marinade, thread onto skewers, and grill over high heat for one minute per side, brushing with remaining marinade. Remove shrimp from grill and skewers, place on serving platter with some toothpicks and napkins alongside.

Now – assuming you’ve cleaned the grill – you can start cooking. After all, you dideverything I’m going to describe in the next five paragraphs the night before, didn’t you?

Grilled Vegetables with Roasted Garlic Marinade

Peel papery husks from two heads of garlic and slice horizontally – about a third of the way down – so each clove is exposed. Place heads on aluminum foil, top each with a pat of unsalted butter and 1/4 tsp. olive oil. Add a pinch each of black and cayenne pepper, salt, and thyme. Wrap heads in foil, leaving a small opening at the top, and place in oven that's been preheated to 300 degrees. Bake for 30 minutes. Unwrap foil to expose entire head and bake another 45 minutes. Remove heads from oven and let cool.

Squeeze each clove so the roasted garlic pops out of its skin. Place in blender (or food processor). Add one cup olive oil, 1/4 cup basalmic vinegar, two Tbs. red wine vinegar, two tsp. salt, and one tsp. black pepper. Puree until smooth. Again, that's your marinade.

Stem and seed one red, one yellow, and one orange bell pepper. Slice ’em in half and flatten them with your palm. Stem one Japanese eggplant and one zucchini, and slice them in half lengthwise. Husk an ear of corn and cut it in half crosswise. Slice one endive, one baby bok choy, and two plum tomatoes in half lengthwise. Add four shiitake mushrooms, 10 asparagus spears, and six pattypan (a.k.a summer) squash. (Obviously, you can pick and choose whatever vegetables appeal to your taste or budget; this is just a rough guide.)

Divide vegetables between two large plastic bags. Pour half the roast garlic marinade into each bag. Seal tightly and marinate overnight, turning occasionally so that all vegetables are equally coated.

Remove vegetables from marinade. Place on oiled grill that's been brought to medium heat. Grill vegetables over direct heat – keep grill covered – for three to five minutes per side, turning once. Certain vegetables cook faster than others, so pay attention – and keep a squirt bottle handy. Remove vegetables from heat and cover tightly to keep warm. (You won't be able to cook all these vegetables at once; they'll probably cover your grill two or three times.) When you've finished, take that covered dish inside and stick it in the oven on very low heat to insure the veggies stay warm ... .

Now for the main course ... . Staying true to my Cali roots, I’m comin’ straight outta the Central Coast with:

Santa Maria Tri-Tip

Grab a fork and pierce two, 2 1/2-pound tri-tips multiple times on every side and place in a large, deep pan. Pour enough bottled Italian dressing over the meat to cover. (You'll need somewhere between 18 and 36 ounces, so use the cheapest stuff you can find.) Mix in a heaping Tbs. of red pepper flakes and two tsps. each of black and cayenne pepper. Cover pan and let the meat marinate in the refrigerator overnight, turning once. Obviously, you did all this the night before ... .

Soak two cups of oak chips in water for an hour. Place chips on two sheets of regular aluminum foil, roll the foil into a tube, and set it on top of the coals (or lava rocks, if like me, you're using a gas grill). Set your freshly oiled grill in place.

Ignite, close the grill, and let the temperature rise to medium-high. (Itíll take about 10-15 minutes.) Remove tri-tips from marinade and grill (uncovered) long enough to sear each side. (Keep a squirt bottle handy ’cause the marinade will drip into the flames and catch fire; the surface of the tri-tips will get charred – but that's exactly what you want.)

Move tri-tips to one side of the grill and turn off the heat on that side; turn the heat on the opposite side all the way up. Cover grill and let tri-tips cook for 15 minutes. Flip the tri-tips over and let ’em cook for another 15 minutes or until they're medium-rare. (The core should be reddish-pink. If you're using a meat thermometer, it should read 135-150 degrees.)

Remove tri-tips from grill, tent with foil, and let them stand for 15 minutes – so the juices set – before cutting ’em into thick slices. Serve with the following Simple Salsa on the side:

Chop four large tomatoes, half an onion, three cloves garlic (peeled), three jalepenos (seeds removed) and two serranos. Add three Tbs. chopped cilantro and toss together. Cover and refrigerate until ready to serve. (Don't even think about doing this until right before your guests are due to arrive.)

 While you’re waiting for the tri-tip’s juices to set, jump back into the kitchen and prepare this:

Garlic Bread

Slice a one-pound loaf of French sourdough bread in half lengthwise, then cut these lengths in half to get four equal pieces. Cut inch-deep slits – about a inch apart – in each quarter-loaf. Grate 1/2 cup of fresh Romano (or Parmesan) cheese and set aside.

Now melt one stick of unsalted butter – use medium-low heat – in a pan that's large enough to accommodate these pieces of bread. Stir in 1/3 cup of your favorite beer and four cloves of peeled, crushed garlic. Then take each piece of bread and – using it like a sponge – soak up a quarter of the contents of the pan until all the liquid is gone.

Place bread on a baking sheet – cut side up – and sprinkle each quarter with equal amounts of the grated cheese. Place under broiler until the edges turn brown. Remove from oven immediately and serve.

On your way back to the patio, pull those grilled vegetables out of the oven they’ve been warming in, and bring this – which you made earlier that morning or the night before – with you.

Potato Salad

Peel and chop four large potatoes (at least two pounds) into chunks. Toss into boiling salted water and cook ’til fork-tender (about 20-30 minutes). Place cooked potatoes in a bowl. Mix in six (peeled and chopped) hard-boiled eggs, 1/4 cup each of finely chopped onion, celery, and green bell pepper, two tsp. cayenne pepper, two tsp. coarse-grain mustard, 1 1/4 tsp. salt, and 1/4 tsp. white vinegar.

Then put one egg plus one yolk in a blender (or food processor). Beat for two minutes. While machine is running, add 1 1/8 cups vegetable oil in a very thin, steady stream until the mixture turns into mayonnaise. Stop. Add 1/2 cup chopped green onions, 1 1/2 Tbs. coarse-grain mustard, one Tbs. white vinegar, 1/4 tsp. salt and 1/8 tsp. white pepper and blend. Fold this into the cooked potato mixture. Cover tightly and refrigerate until ready to serve.

Set everything out on a table and let your guests fill their plates. Grab yourself a beer, a glass of zinfandel or a chilled rose, maybe even a shot of anejo tequila and with the slightest trace of a twinkle in your eye, graciously accept your company’s kudos and superlatives as they toast their host.

’Cause about an hour or so after dinner, you’re going to disappear into the kitchen and return with the one last thing you spent the previous night preparing, namely:

Tequila-Lime Sorbet

Pour four cups water and two cups sugar into a large pan, stir constantly over medium-heat until the sugar dissolves, then bring the liquid to a boil. Add 1 1/3 cup freshly squeezed lime juice, 12 Tbs. tequila, 12 Tbs. triple sec, and two tsp. grated lime peel. Remove from heat and refrigerate at least two hours.

Dump this into a gel-based ice cream maker and process according to the manufacturer's instructions. (Owing to the alcohol content, the mixture won't firm up; remove it from the ice cream maker and place it in a container in your freezer until you're ready to serve – it'll still be a little slushy.)

As your guests’ orgasmic moans fade slowly, slowly into the cool night air, lay back in your chair, and think of the leftovers.