Summer Guide Attacks!

(With its love gun)

If you don’t already know which beach you like, CityBeat won’t help you. (It’s not that we can’t; it’s that we refuse.) If you want to know where to send your precious spawn to camp, we won’t help you there either. (CityBeat’s children are feral, like children should be.) If you want brewskis and bikini babes, kindly turn your attention elsewhere. (We knew we forgot bikini babes!)

So what are we here for? To help you find love – not with a person, we’ve given up on that. But with your city. Love your city! And if you’ve given up on love, and you’re meandering through the heat and the smog, wondering why you’re in such a slump and can’t figure out anything to do in one of the best, most cultured cities in the world, and are settling in to watch reruns of Dancing With the Stars – reruns! – pull out this issue and give it another gander. For within is a whole summer’s worth of great events to keep you out among your better class of neighbor – perhaps a very fetching neighbor? – to help you remember why you moved here or stayed here in the first place. Oh, there are wondrous things to do in the glow of L.A., and you should remember that next time you’re reaching for the handgun in the glove box on the 405. We know you were just going to scare the guy, but sometimes even the most innocent death threats go astray.

Jail is wretched in the summer! It is not full of love!

Rubbing shoulders with our terrific calendar are just a few little features to help you better enjoy this small galaxy of festivals and concerts and something in Northridge. Most of these have to do with food. You like food, right? You do? That’s great! We have so much in common already. And you have such pretty eyes! How did we not notice those before? You are gorgeous!

We think we love you.

Published: 05/28/2008

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Summer Guide Attacks!

(With its love gun)

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