Weekette: July 17, 2008

Monday

Democratic Convention Shaping Up to Be Pricey Organic Disaster

It appears the Democrats have come up with an absurdly constipated boondoggle of a convention that will show Americans, once again, exactly why they don’t like electing Democrats. From the massive expense to the terrible lack of planning to the weird diktat about frigging food colors, this whole thing confirms everyone’s worst suspicions about Democrats being spendthrift hippies with the souls of incompetent Soviet bureaucrats. The reporting on this clusterfuck reads like the paranoid scribblings of Rush Limbaugh on a three-day Oxycontin bender. Let’s review the ridiculousness together.The entire wretched event is completely behind schedule.Democratic Convention staffers operate out of plush Denver digs while the budget runs over, and over, and over.

• A disgusted Barack Obama has sent 10 staff members out to clean up this hopeless mess, although it might be too late.

• Every caterer in Denver hates the Democrats because they have demanded an inexpensive organic rainbow of locally grown food on every plate.

• There are no hotel rooms even for reporters from respectable national publications.

Basically, this is the gazillion-dollar nanny state writ large and a huge embarrassment for Obama and every other sane Democrat. Meanwhile, the Republican National Convention will be held in an abandoned Bingo hall and will feature a menu of creamed corn, green bean casserole, and packets of ketchup dissolved in water to make “tomato soup.” It will be wildly successful. –Sara K. Smith

Did Jesse Helms Die on the Unpatriotic THIRD of July?

As we all know, racist old colostomy bag Jesse Helms bravely died on the patriotic anti-gay July 4 day of American Independence … or did he? Our sources in North Carolina say there’s an insane nursing-home cover-up engineered by the Jesse Helms Center’s goons to make gullible racist Americans believe Helms died and went to Hell in the early hours of July 4, when his rancid body actually expired on the night of July 3!

Sure, you’re an elitist communist and you’re thinking, “Who could possibly give a shit when Jesse Helms died, except that he should’ve died 40 or 50 years ago, when it might’ve made a difference?”

Well, the kind of ignorant white trash who just love Jesse Helms are not having a real good time of things right now. They are poorer than ever, deeper in debt, their jobs were long ago shipped off to China, and they can’t even afford a gallon of gasoline so they can ride their quad in circles around their shack, which is their main recreation after watching NASCAR and eating 60-packs of Hot Cheetos. Also, a nigra is about to be president!

As we learned this weekend, Thomas Jefferson and John Adams and Jesus all died on the Fourth of July, proving their Super Patriotism. If Jesse Helms also died on July 4, that would give special comfort to the bitters, while also making slavery retroactively legal again. But this is what we’re hearing from our southern operatives:

“It appears that the little shit, Helms, might actually have died at 10:30 p.m. on 7/3 and the nursing home faked the records.” We asked for details, proof, linkage, and about all we’ve learned for sure is that this rumor appeared in the comments of a New York Times post about Helms’s death and then the comments were disappeared, the same way Helms’s right-wing death-squad boyfriends in Latin America disappeared their freedom-loving enemies!

Today, we’re hearing through a “contact” at the Mayview Convalescent Center in Raleigh – where Helms died and spent his last rotten years – that the nursing home deliberately falsified the time of death, probably on orders from the Jesse Helms Center. If true, this proves that Jesse Helms actually went to Hell on the gay-lesbian-black Marxist July 3 holiday, “Juneteenth.” –Ken Layne

Bob Barr On Target to Ruin John McCain’s Life

Bob Barr looks like Reverend Jeremiah Wright and will probably cost John McCain the election, and for these two reasons alone Barack Obama makes love to Bob Barr’s voodoo doll in his hyperbaric Hope chamber every night. You see, 6% of Zogby poll respondents said they would vote for the Libertarian candidate for president, and this is the exact size of the margin Obama leads by. Score one for Liberty!

As time goes on, conservatives will probably figure out they are better off voting for Old Loser McCain than Hopeless Cause Barr, but history tells us that the Libertarian only needs the votes of a couple hundred old ladies in Palm Beach County in order to hand over the election to … Nader. –SKS

July 4 Bush Speech Censors Thomas Jefferson

Thomas Jefferson invented July 4, by writing the Declaration of Independence for “Independence Day,” and later writing the Constitution, and then patriotically dropping dead on July 4. This is why George W. Bush went to Jefferson’s famous slave brothel, Monticello, to read a July 4 speech that quoted Jefferson except for the part of the quote where Jefferson said Christians were idiots.

Here’s what Bush tried to read while everybody heckled him: “On the 50th anniversary of America’s independence, Thomas Jefferson passed away. But before leaving this world, he explained that the principles of the Declaration of Independence were universal. In one of the final letters of his life, he wrote, ‘May it be to the world, what I believe it will be – to some parts sooner, to others later, but finally to all – the Signal of arousing men to burst the chains, and to assume the blessings and security of self-government.’”

The actual letter says this: “May it be to the world, what I believe it will be (to some parts sooner, to others later, but finally to all), the signal of arousing men to burst the chains under which monkish ignorance and superstition had persuaded them to bind themselves, and to assume the blessings and security of self-government.”

Yeah dude looks like you forgot the good part. –KL

Colorado Candidate Jailed for Choking His Daughter

Jefferson County school board member and Colorado legislative candidate Vince Chowdhury just sort of “lost it” when his goddamned wife and daughter didn’t open the garage door quickly enough when he was sitting in the driveway HONKING THE HORN, so he went to jail, because he allegedly grabbed his 16-year-old daughter’s throat, with both hands, and choked her, until she bit him, and then she hid in the bathroom until the Sheriff’s Department arrived.

But what’s really funny are the comments on the Denver Post article:

• I bet that garage door will go up a lot quicker the next time though.

• This guy should be a cop.

• What an *******. Get out and open the door yourself. Big man, slapping around a teenage girl.

• The guy regularly pulls up to his house, honks the horn, and expects his family to run and open the door? Dude, garage door openers are cheap. His neighbors should have choked him long ago. –KL

Tuesday

Put That Thing Away, John McCain

In a Denver candy shop yesterday, John McCain asked a voter, “How about some old-fashioned fudge?” and the voter fell on the floor laughing about what a pervy old gaywad he was, the end. –SKS

Barack Obama’s Broken Plane Was Actually … Hillary Clinton’s Plane!

Yesterday, Barack Obama almost died in a fiery plane crash above lovely St. Louis, and you know what, it’s his own fault. Thought experiment: Imagine you are a Jew. If, as a Jew, you are borrowing a car, you wouldn’t borrow it from Adolf Hitler, right? It would probably have a bomb set to the ignition (Hitler famously disliked the Jews). With that in mind: “This was not Obama’s regular campaign plane, which is being overhauled. It was a loaner, having previously been used by Sen. Hillary Clinton, D-NY.” When will dumb old Barack Obama realize that Hillary Clinton is actively trying to kill him? –Jim Newell

Gray-Haired Barack Obama Commences Human Process of ‘Oldening’

Have you noticed that Barack Obama’s hair is getting grayer? Because boy howdy these days he looks like the love child of Anderson Cooper and Donna Brazile. He is aging so rapidly that soon he will be older than John McCain. –SKS

Dick Cheney Does New Thing That Dick Cheney Would Obviously Do

So what’s been going on with our greatest Vice President, Richard “Dick” Cheney, since we last spoke? Nothing much, just some new revelations about Cheney bein’ Cheney, hatin’ on the environment and such. In this latest news cycle, we have the tale of that time Cheney’s office once edited out six pages of the CDC director’s testimony to Congress regarding this: “CDC considers climate change a serious public health concern.” Silly egotistical CDC director. She’s obviously one of those people who gets pissed when her editors shake things up a bit – cutting commas, switching grafs, deleting major theses about climate change killing everyone, correcting split infinitives even if they do “sound” better. Any editor has dealt with these twits. We sympathize, Dick. –JN

Huckabee: Obama Sucks Now Because He’s Not Jesse Helms

Mike Huckabee appeared on Hannity & Colmes last night to weigh in on Barack Obama’s complete move to the center in the last few weeks. Now, we made up our minds about this slimeball Obama after Charles Krauthammer observantly noted that Obama “assiduously obliterates all differences with McCain on national security and social issues” in his positioning these days. If one thing is true in this life, it’s that Charles Krauthammer HAS THE MIND OF TWENTY EINSTEINS. And yet here comes Mike Huckabee, offering yet another take on Obama’s all-encompassing triangulation. Huckabee says everything we’ve always thought but never quite realized: Barack Obama – to his detriment – is becoming less and less like Jesse Helms every single day.

Here’s what Our Mike told the Fox News people:

Well, Americans have consistently rejected the George McGoverns and the Michael Dukakises, the people who clearly and unapologetically are out there on the left – the Walter Mondales who said, I’m going to raise your taxes.

So when liberals are honest about being liberals, they get beat. I think it’s a situation – you know, you had the little clip of Jesse Helms at the opening of the show, and I’m thinking, what a contrast. The thing that many of us loved and admired about Jesse Helms was that, here was a guy, he didn’t care what you thought about his view, but you were going to always know where he stood because he stood for something and he stood clearly.

I think we’re not seeing that in Barack Obama especially in relationship – to his position on the war.

Spot on. If Barack Obama had the courage to tap into his Inner Helms, you know what he’d do? He’d drop out of this race immediately, because he has no business taking a white man’s job. –JN

Wednesday

Clintonites Confused by Obama Supporters’ Reluctance to Bail Them out of Campaign Debt

The saddest thing about Hillary Clinton dropping out of the presidential race was the prospect that we might never again see a news story about the hilarious wankocracy that was Team Clinton. But hurrah, her campaign lives on, in the form of her campaign debt, which will never be retired because Obama’s people are so MEAN.

When Barack Obama sent out a note to his top donors asking them to slide Hillary a few dollars, here is what they said:

• “Why would I help pay off debts that Hillary amassed simply to keep damaging Senator Obama?”

• “Gas prices are up, the markets are in turmoil, my kid’s fall tuition bill is coming soon. Writing checks to politicians I don’t like is not at the top of my list.”

• “Not a penny for that woman. Or her husband. Or – god forbid – Mark Penn.”

So … things are going great! And of course, big Clinton donors are very, very hurt that they haven’t been able to buy their way into the Obama campaign. They haven’t even been given awesome titles like “Hillraisers”! And Barack Obama spends all his time campaigning for president instead of raising money for Hillary, which makes him un-American. –SKS

John Kerry And John McCain No Longer Super Good Pals

Just four short years ago, John Kerry loved John McCain so much he repeatedly implored the angry little fraud to be his running mate in his ultimately failed bid for president. And John McCain said no, because he wanted to lose on his own, four years later! This caused irreparable damage to their wonderful fairytale friendship.

Little-known fact: both John Kerry and John McCain fought in the Vietnam War. But when they came back from the war, the Democratic John called a bunch of soldiers war criminals while the Republican John smoked valiantly in a chair and stayed in the Navy.

Later on, they became pals, but then the 2004 election happened and John McCain told everybody in the press, “Ha ha, this jackhole wants to make me his Veep,” and then McCain commenced selling out to the conservatives who still hate him, and now the two Johns do not hang out with each other very much.

And John Kerry said John McCain was “unbelievably out of touch” and “confused” when he talked about not being in any big hurry to pull troops out of Iraq. John McCain wants his friendship bracelet and his Flowbee back. –SKS

FISA Overhaul Passes in Senate as Expected; You Should Probably Never Use a Telephone Again

After an exciting day of voting, the Senate has voted in favor of the new FISA surveillance bill, 69-28, and George Bush will now sign it into law in his secret masturbatorium.

Earlier in the day it rejected an amendment to strip retroactive immunity for telecom companies facing wiretapping lawsuits, 66-32; an amendment to have a district judge assess warrantless wiretapping before granting immunity, 61-37; and an amendment to delay immunity until after a yearlong government investigation into warrantless wiretapping, 56-42.

Barack Obama voted for the three failed amendments and later voted for the underlying bill.

John McCain did not show up to vote for anything, because he is too busy calling Obama a sally for voting.

Hillary Clinton voted for all three amendments but voted against the final bill.

Jim Webb shot everyone in the face for stealing from his knapsack of oats, which he carries on his person at all times. –JN

Jesse Jackson Apologizes for Monstrous Hideous Racist Sexist Homophobe Nativist Jew Remarks Against Obama

Hey, small question: what were Jesse Jackson’s remarks? –JN

Oh Good God Jesse Jackson, This Might Be Rich

OK, we’re starting to get a basic idea of what Jesse Jackson said, to a hidden microphone, about Barack Obama today. Here’s his paraphrase in an interview with CNN (the actual footage will be shown in full on Fox News – of course – at 8 p.m. tonight): “That the senator was cutting off his, you know whats, with black people and black church.” “You know whats”? We’re going to go with “hotcakes.” No: “flapjacks.” NO EVEN BETTER YET – “VAGINAS.” HE’S CUTTING OFF HIS VAG-ES WITH THE BLACKS. –JN

Thursday

N.C. State Employee Picks Retirement Over Lowering Flag for Dead Jesse Helms

Meet a brave American Hero: L.F. Eason III, the “29-year veteran of the state Department of Agriculture” who chose early retirement over the foul task of lowering the American Flag to half mast for the dead bigot Jesse Helms. Eason went to work for the North Carolina government right out of college, and spent 29 years working for the state’s Department of Agriculture. Now, at the age of 51, he has taken retirement rather than allow his small staff at Raleigh’s North Carolina Standards Laboratory to lower the flag for trash like Jesse Helms, the dead piece of trash. –KL

Hey People Did You Know John McCain Is Still Pro Life?

A lot of people think John McCain supports abortion rights and other things many ladies care about, even though he doesn’t support these things. One of those confused people is McCain’s potential lady running-mate Carly Fiorina. On Monday, she said, “There are many health insurance plans that will cover Viagra but won’t cover birth control medication. Those women would like a choice.” But of course John McCain voted twice against legislation that would require insurance companies to cover birth control. Because seriously gals, just keep it in your pants!

Oh and also recently she said John McCain “has never signed on to efforts to overturn Roe vs. Wade” even though he has promised repeatedly to appoint Supreme Court judges who would overturn Roe vs. Wade.

Carly Fiorina will soon be banished to work on a chain gang with Charlie Black, Rick Renzi, Peter Keating and a bunch of Iranian cigarette addicts until President Obama’s second swearing-in. Meanwhile, John McCain will be gobbling free Viagra and chasing Cindy around his Exclusive Sedona Ranch. –SKS

Astronomy Is Racist

On Monday some Dallas County commissioners were talking about problems processing traffic tickets, and this one commissioner said central collections “has become a black hole.” Not one but two of his fellow officials demanded an apology for his racially insensitive remark. Oh goodness! A lot of the commentary on this blog post about the incident is pretty foul, but our hat’s off to “Don Imus,” who writes, “It’s not like they called it a nappy-headed hole. Now THAT would be outrageous.” –SKS

George Bush Jr. Makes Annual ‘National Embarrassment Joke’ At G8

Oh George Bush is having quite a grand time at the annual G8 conference in Japan. He’s not molesting Angela Merkel this time, but he is embarrassing everyone: “The American leader, who has been condemned throughout his presidency for failing to tackle climate change, ended a private meeting with the words: ‘Goodbye from the world’s biggest polluter.’ He then punched the air while grinning widely, as the rest of those present including Gordon Brown and Nicolas Sarkozy looked on in shock.” Punched the air? Best George W. Bush imagery ever. –JN

Anti-Gay Alabama A.G. Caught Being Gay

This may come as a shock, but a prominent anti-homosexual Republican attorney general has apparently been caught having homosexual sex intercourse with his homosexual gay male assistant. Bonus: The dude’s wife caught him, in their bed. This is the rumor that the AG’s office has officially denied, so now of course everybody is spilling the sordid details.

AG in question is Troy King, who, of course, is only interested in outlawing homosexuality and sex toys. His gay lover is either a college “buddy,” or a very young youngster and “Homecoming King” from Troy University. What are the odds of a dude named Troy King getting caught in bed with a Homecoming King from Troy University? This seems like a wacky sitcom plot, on a gay porn channel. (Is this what that Will & Grace was about?) –KL

Friday

News Anchors Cannot Say ‘Nuts’ on Air, Hilarity Ensues

So yeah, apparently the Hays code or whatever prevents you from saying “nuts” on the teevee unless you mean “crazy” or “consumable food items that come in shells.” So if you are Wolf Blitzer, you rattle on about the horrifying crudity of a particular phrase that Jesse Jackson uttered, and then you make all your guests kind of stumble around awkwardly about “things only a man would have,” so that Americans everywhere turn to each other and ask, “Is he talking about cum rags?” –SKS

John McCain, Closet Bigamist?

Everybody knows the sad story about how John McCain catted around on his crippled wife with a fetching young beer heiress. But now it appears he was actually sort of married to both Mrs. McCains at the same time, in the sense that he had a marriage license with #2 before his divorce to #1 had been finalized! Why does John McCain hate America?

John McCain was such an amoral dingus back in the day that even the Reagans held it against him. McCain, who calls himself “a foot soldier in the Reagan revolution,” said in his memoir: “My divorce from Carol, whom the Reagans loved, caused a change in our relationship. Nancy […] was particularly upset with me and treated me on the few occasions we encountered each other after I came to Congress with a cool correctness that made her displeasure clear.

“I had, of course, deserved the change in our relationship.”

Correction: John McCain does not hate America. He is a fleet-footed American hero romancer who probably already has like six marriage licenses lined up for his next string of brides. –SKS

Weekette is brought to you by the kind offices of  wonkette.com