Weekette: July 24, 2008

Monday

Arnold Schwarzenegger Will Be Secretary of Something

The governor of California went on George Stephanopoulos’ show the other day and said he wouldn’t turn down a Cabinet posting from whoever got elected president. In just six months, America will finally have a Secretary of Bipartisan Grabass: perhaps not the one it wants, but the one it deserves. –Sara K. Smith

John McCain Looked at the Computer!
It’s time to stop with all this “John McCain is from the 18th Century” nonsense, because the GOP nominee-to-be has now seen a computer and is quickly catching up with all the exciting technological developments of the past 45 years.

McCain was asked by The New York Times if he actually looked at websites. He said his staffers showed him things on the computer, such as Drudge Report and Politico. His wife then yelled at him, during the interview, because he didn’t mention his daughter Meghan’s weird blog.

Asked if he could actually make the computer show him a website, McCain said:

“They go on for me. I am learning to get online myself, and I will have that down fairly soon, getting on myself.”

Note that this is 2008, and “getting online” consists of simply looking at a computer, because computers are online all the time – we are a decade or so past the era of setting up the computer to make a phone call through a modem. But let’s be positive and applaud John McCain’s brave efforts to learn to get online, all by himself, “fairly soon.” Then he can start surfin’ for PR0N. –Ken Layne

John McLaughlin Shouts About Some Fancy Biracial Snack Food
Apparently someone on Earth still watches The McLaughlin Group and thank god for that, because old coot host John McLaughlin tends to say some pretty funny things about this Barack Obama character. A couple of months ago he interrupted Eleanor Clift’s Obama analysis and shouted, “WARREN HARDING WAS A NEGRO,” which is true. While McLaughlin’s performance yesterday doesn’t quite match that, it’s still a fine piece of old coot theatrics: He rants that Obama is an “Oreo,” meaning he wants to dip him in milk and eat him. –Jim Newell

George Bush Asks Congress for Latest Capitulation, on Drilling

President George Bush Jr. today lifted the executive ban on domestic offshore drilling for oil and natural gas, the same ban that his liberal father instituted 20-ish years ago. Take that, old retreating hack! But before the oil companies can start drilling off of your dock, Congress must lift its ban. Well that should be tough! We predict that Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi will whine about this for a good week, maybe 10 days, but should have a piece of drilling legislation ready for Bush’s Rose Garden signin’ desk by next Friday. –JN

Cynthia McKinney to Be 2008’s Ralph Nader

Beloved former congress-lady Cynthia McKinney is the Green Party’s presidential candidate! She’s in it to win! The Greens had a convention on Saturday, apparently, and McKinney was the big winner. Her running mate is “Rosa Clemente, a hip-hop artist and activist.” Well, all right.

McKinney represented Georgia in the House for six terms, and then she slapped around a cop or something, and said Bush did 9/11, and the Jews ran her out of office, and she impeached Bush, in her mind. Experts say she will end up with about 47% of votes intended for McCain, because their names are pretty much the same. –KL

Tuesday

AP’s New DC Chief Hearts Karl Rove
That newish Associated Press Washington bureau chief, Ron Fournier, is making AP copy all dumb and bloggy. Also, he e-mailed this to Karl Rove about Pat Tillman, the anti-Iraq War hero who was slaughtered by his own troops in Afghanistan: “The Lord creates men and women like this all over the world. But only the great and free countries allow them to flourish. Keep up the fight.” –KL

Woman, You Are Too Rich to Actually Exist
In case you haven’t heard about this yet, here’s what Cindy McCain said on CNN yesterday: “In Arizona, the only way to get around the state is by small private plane.” Uh, uh … and Michelle Obama drives a hybrid that doesn’t love its country! *RUNS TO PRIVATE PLANE.* –JN

Barack Obama Is Killing Comedy
As the whole dumb New Yorker flap proves, the liberal media has to be super careful when dealing with Barack, lest His earnest minions go crazy like they did when Charles Gibson and George Stephanopoulos implied at that one Hillary/Obama debate that black people can’t swim and are always on welfare.

Beyond the fear of exploring the backwoods trailer-trash 12 percent’s racist paranoia about Obama, there’s the problem of Obama himself:

“The thing is, he’s not buffoonish in any way,” said Mike Barry, who started writing political jokes for Johnny Carson’s monologues in the waning days of the Johnson administration and has lambasted every presidential candidate since, most recently for Letterman. “He’s not a comical figure,” Barry said.

The only thing truly laughable about Barack Obama, so far, has been the reaction from America’s lower classes of openly racist idiots. And as the New Yorker cover proved, the line between satirizing that crowd and seemingly supporting their weird view is very thin and very hard to find.

It is, in fact, like the famous vaginal “G spot” – it’s never in the same place, and you never know how it’s going to react. –KL

The Latest Gem From McCain’s Long History of Horrifying ‘Wisecracks’
John McCain’s always had a hearty arsenal of “cocktail party jokes,” including several about killing Iranian civilians with either bombs or exported American cancer, and another about Chelsea Clinton being ugly because her father is Janet Reno’s penis. These jokes, however, can’t shake a stick at the latest gem someone has unearthed from a 1986 copy of the Tucson Citizen, one that got him in a tit-bit of trouble at the time. And here we have it: McCain’s crack about the gorilla who rapes and murders some gal in the street.

“Did you hear the one about the woman who is attacked on the street by a gorilla, beaten senseless, raped repeatedly, and left to die? When she finally regains consciousness and tries to speak, her doctor leans over to hear her sigh contently and to feebly ask, ‘Where is that marvelous ape?’”

Oh, we get it! The girl was a slut. –JN

Wednesday

Elizabeth Dole Wants to Name AIDS Relief Bill After Heroic AIDS Goblin Jesse Helms
Maybe Senator Elizabeth Dole teaches a community college English class on the side and wants to show her students a cartoonish, real-life example of “irony,” because that’s the only way to explain her current episode of retardation. She has introduced an amendment to the HIV/AIDS/etc. relief bill nearing completion in the Senate that would rename it after dead Senator Jesse Helms, the famous hero who once said, “There is not one single case of AIDS in this country that cannot be traced in origin to sodomy.” This Senate bill, interestingly enough, will probably contain another amendment – this one from John Kerry and Gordon Smith – to remove the HIV travel and immigration ban for foreigners hoping to enter the United States. This ban, of course, began in 1987 and is called the “Helms Amendment.” So basically, Boo Elizabeth Dole! Elizabeth Dole has gonorrhea! –JN

Thursday

Meghan McCain Ignored by Hollywood Paparazzi
Oh look, it’s John McCain’s daughter, Meghan McCain, and a performer from the teevee called Heidi Montag who is George W. Bush’s only supporter in America. But why doesn’t Meghan have any money? And why was she so terribly humiliated? The McCain “Blogette” had lunch with the teevee gal in Santa Monica yesterday, because this Heidi Montag is the star of the Tori Spelling hit “Beverly Hills Cop” and she is the actress of the decade who will like a Republican. (The last one was Bo Derek, in the 1970s.) But then the two blonde gals tried to find their car, but Meghan doesn’t have any money and the valet apparently doesn’t accept Cindy McCain’s triple-platinum five-whore-diamond American Express, so the paparazzi photographers gave them some money. –KL

Orrin Hatch’s Awesomely Morbid/Gay Ballad to Ted Kennedy

Senator Orrin Hatch is an old conservative Republican from Utah, the most conservative Republican state in the country: so it’s no surprise that in a moment of weakness the balladeer of the Senate would pen a sweet, romantic ode to one of his male colleagues. Apparently he is great pals with Ted Kennedy, whose battle with brain cancer compelled Hatch to write a ballad called “Headed Home.” But it is not about heads. Here is a sample of the beautiful lyrics:

Sailing home, sailing home. America, America, we’re headed home at last

Just honor him, honor him, and every fear will be a thing of the past …

Through the darkness, we can find a pathway, that will take us halfway to the stars

Shoo the shadows and doubts away, and touch the legacy that is ours, yours and mine.

Amazingly, all the “sailing home … at last” business is not about returning to the arms of Jesus or whatever. It’s about heading home to the Senate, which is like Heaven in the sense that it’s full of half-naked cherubs. Except in D.C. they are called “interns.” –SKS

George W. Bush Sewage Treatment Plant One Step Closer to American Reality

The SFist just sent us this breaking news from San Francisco: The ordinance initiative to changing the name of the Oceanside Wastewater Treatment Facility to the ‘George W Bush Sewage Plant’ will, in fact, be on the November ballot. This is great news for everybody, as it will provide retaliatory amusement for San Francisco voters while confirming every “bunch-a gald-damned communist lezbo fruitcakes” wingnut cliché about Baghdad by the Bay. –KL

Wah Wah Wah
Barack Obama, speaking to popular ladies’ magazine Glamour: “Everybody who knows Michelle knows how extraordinary she is. She’s ironically the most quintessentially American woman I know. She grew up in a Leave it to Beaver family.” So this is your story, Hussein? Then maybe you can explain that candid photograph of her on the cover of the latest New Yorker magazine. –JN

Friday

Dan Rather Continues to Say Strange Things on Teevee!
Beloved liberal Dan Rather responded to a comment from former NFL star Tiki Barber on today’s edition of MSNBC’s Morning Joe, about Jesse Jackson’s influence in politics. We did not see the show as it aired, so we aren’t sure why arbitrary celebrity bums were picked off the street to host today. Point is, Dan Rather says he appreciates Jesse Jackson and that Jackson was importantly “paving the way for an Osama bin Laden to appear.” Our friends on the right would agree! We think he meant “Barack Osama bin Laden,” however. –JN

Sad Independent Voters Are Excited About Nothing
You know those folks who eat a lot of casseroles and know the first and last names of every contestant on America’s Next Top Model since “Cycle 1,” but do not know how many fingers John McCain has? (Answer: Eleven.) These people are so grossly underinformed that politicians lurve them, and every four years this coveted voting bloc called “Independents” determines who will be our next president. This year, like every year, they do not like their options: or they would not like their options if they knew what they were, which they do not.

A new AP/Yahoo News poll lays out the sad facts for us:

Only 21 percent of independent voters – being targeted by both Obama and Republican John McCain – said they find the election interesting – down from 31 percent in November – and just 7 percent say it’s exciting. About a quarter support each candidate, about 40 percent remain undecided, and half say they could still change their minds.

Barack Obama and John McCain will both appear on Celebrity Apprentice in the fall, and whoever gets fired first will be sent to Guantánamo so that the other dude can get elected. –SKS

What Inappropriate New Jokes Will McCain Make on Teevee Tonight?
Tonight marks John McCain’s first appearance on the NBC comedy show Late Night With Conan O’Brien since 2005, back when he was still that funny old coot and failed presidential senator guy with black children. Now, of course, he poses the greatest possible threat to the survival of Earth and everyone hates him. But he’s still a wonderful comedian and we look forward to seeing him in his element tonight. What jokes about cunts, bestial rape, ugly young girls and killing innocent civilians will he debut tonight?

Senior officials at Langley have given us hints as to what we can expect from McCain’s hilarious new routine:

“Conan, where is my bowl of honey roasted nuts, you cunt.”

“Conan, did you ever hear the one about the gorilla who raped some gal? The gorilla is actually a black man and all of you people are cunts.”

“Where did I leave my goddamn pants.”

“I got a bagel at a New York diner today and the fat broad waitress tells me the cream cheese spread costs an extra 18 cents. I thought that was ridiculous. 18 cents for a standard cream cheese spread. So I called her a usurious Jew and also a cunt.”

“Conan lemme tell ya a thing or two about the Japs. They’re like the Chinese, except we didn’t nuke the Chinese. We need to nuke Russia.”

“I hope ugly Chelsea Clinton smokes cigarettes and dies, the cunt.”

“Take my wife. Please! She’s a cunt.”

“I just flew in from Vegas and boy, are you a cunt, Conan.”

See? He’s learning! If liberals say your jokes aren’t funny, make funnier jokes. –JN

Ted Stevens Is Doomed
The ancient snow troll who coined the most tired Internet phrase in the universe and who wanted to build a bazillion-dollar bridge to his Arctic Palace for Alcoholic Vietnam Vets ’N Herring may soon leave the Senate seat he has occupied since 1812. That’s right – Ted Stevens faces some sort of opponent in his latest re-election bid. And he’s losing to this Democrat nobody!

New polls show some character named “Mark Begich,” reportedly the mayor of Anchorage, ahead by two whole points. Also, 61% of Alaskans would like to see Ted Stevens banished to a crab trap at the bottom of the Bering Strait, while only 27% would enjoy sending Begich to the watery deep.

Ted Stevens is a million years old anyhow, so it’s probably time for him to retire. –SKS

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