Wonkette Weekette! August 21, 2008

MONDAY

John Edwards Also Ruined Hillary Clinton’s Life!
Oh goody, we are now at the “blame John Edwards for pretty much everything” stage of the Edwards Was a Baby Mamma scandal. Somehow the mortgage meltdown and the brand-new war in Georgia will turn out to be his fault, but we’ll leave it to Sam Stein to uncover those crucial links. In the meantime, former Clinton communications director Howard Wolfson has found something else to blame on John Edwards: the implosion of the Clinton candidacy.

The rationale goes something like this: If the world had learned that John Edwards was a vulgar self-regarding horndog before the Iowa caucuses, then two-thirds of his voters would have switched to Hillary Clinton. She would have squeaked out of Iowa to triumphant victory in New Hampshire and so on and so forth until she was the nominee. Thus the media’s failure to cover this story earlier is yet another example of Sexism against Hillary Clinton.

Of course, then there are “facts” like these: “[Obama campaign] officials never bought the argument that Clinton was the second choice of Edwards voters. Immediately after Edwards dropped out of the race at the end of January, Obama won 11 straight contests in a row.” –Sara K. Smith

Cokie Roberts Does Not Want Barack Obama to Vacation in Exotic Locale
Oh good God. It is probably time for either Cokie Roberts or Wonkette to retire, now that we have said basically the same thing about Barack Obama’s elitist vacation to some place called “Hawaii,” which is located in the lower left-hand corner of the map right next to Alaska — and yet has burning hot summers, whereas Alaska is forever enshrouded in snow. Why won’t Barack Obama apologize for visiting his grandmother in this curious “Mystery Spot” where many Americans go on package tours? –SKS

We Have a Date!
Homosexual Florida Governor Charlie Crist is getting married, to a woman, so he can be a real, live National Politician. And over the weekend, he announced that he and his “bride” have set a date! It’s December 12, a full 38 days after the election. In other words, they don’t have to plan shit unless he somehow wins as John McCain’s vice president, in which case they’ll actually have to go through with the awful stunt. –Jim Newell

Democrats to Spend Convention Wednesday Pretending They Aren’t Pussies
The Obama people announced on a conference call today that the Wednesday of their convention — the night the vice president speaks, assuming there ever is one — will be National Security Night, meaning it will focus on “Securing America’s Future.” You know, with guns and sheee-iiiit. And that is why Dick Cheney will be Obama’s second black vice president. –JN

Clinton Campaign’s Internal E-mails More or Less Confirm Staff’s Insanity
For the last few days, the folks at the Atlantic magazine have been hyping a piece from senior editor Joshua Green about the (not so) mysterious inner workings of Hillary Clinton’s terrible campaign staff, claiming Green had procured 200(!) internal e-mails and memos. Such teases! This is sort of like waving crack in front of John Edwards’s crack baby, but then saying, “You have to wait for the September issue of crack to come out in three days.” But it’s out now, and we read it, and there’s not much you haven’t already known for months or couldn’t have predicted. It has its moments, however. Wait until you read about Mark Penn’s “FUN” invisible people button for the website!

Of course most of the hilarious bits involve chief strategist Mark “Bowser” Penn, the worst human being on earth, ever. Penn strongly urged the campaign to go after, you guessed it, Obama’s “lack of American roots.” Hawaii, Indonesia, you know… The BLACKNESS maybe… NO THAT WAS A JOKE! Ha ha, eh…

“Let’s explicitly own ‘American’ in our programs, the speeches and the values. He doesn’t. Make this a new American Century, the American Strategic Energy Fund. Let’s use our logo to make some flags we can give out. Let’s add flag symbols to the backgrounds.”

This next bit is kind of sad. First they couldn’t bribe journalists at dinner, and then they were “mocked for weeks” for attacking a five-year-old Obama.

“[…] Clinton exploded, demanding to know why the campaign wasn’t on the attack. Solis Doyle was put on a plane to Iowa the next day to oversee the closing weeks. Within hours of the call, the panicked staff produced a blistering attack on Obama for what it characterized as evidence of his overweening lust for power: He had written a kindergarten essay titled ‘I Want to Become President.’ The campaign was mocked for weeks.”

These people aren’t all nuts, though, it seems after reading this. Hillary was just such a frontrunner, with so many advantages, that each of her top advisers was going out of his or her mind 24 hours a day not wanting to be the one that blew it. As a result they just fought all the time, these very smart individuals, and ended up blowing it as a team. And that’s quite an achievement. –JN

Tuesday

Famous Jay McInerney Novel About Rielle Hunter Goes into Reprint
Jay McInerney used to love dating crazy broads and doing a lot of blow, back in the ’80s, when it was considered un-American not to walk around with a cocaine mustache and a persistent case of chlamydia. During these halcyon days, he dated the craziest broad of them all: Lisa Druck, who went on to change her name to “Rielle Hunter” and attain universal revile for her terrible use of fonts in John Edwards’s painfully embarrassing presidential campaign “Webisodes.” Now Jay McInerney’s publisher is reprinting a book he wrote in 1988 called Story of My Life, which is told from the point of view of a Hunter-like character, so now you too can read second-person descriptions of what it is like to have furtive futuristic time-machine sex with John Edwards in his Dirt Palace. Hint: The name he calls out in the throes of passion is his own. –SKS

Cindy Sheehan Will Crush Nancy Pelosi
It’s official: Nancy Pelosi has not one but TWO opponents in a “hotly” contested race for her Congressional district. In addition to Dana Walsh, the last specimen of a doomed and rare species called the “Bay Area Republican” which is hunted for sport on the banks of San Francisco’s mandatory nude heroin-needle beaches, this woman named Cindy Sheehan is also running to make a Point. Cindy Sheehan is the woman who everyone felt bad for because her son was killed in Iraq, until she became the most tiresome Californian this side of Medea Benjamin.

Sheehan has collected enough signatures from teen bums and migrant workers to run for Congressional District 8 where she will surely triumph, because seriously who has even heard of this Pelosi gal? She’s the one in the nice suits, right, all blinky behind the president during his interminable State of the Union speeches? Yes, get rid of that one and replace her with the antiwar protester who makes liberals personally want to bomb the shit out of Iran. –SKS

Bachmann: Nancy Pelosi Is Not Jesus, at All
Your favorite crazy Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann, today: “[Pelosi] is committed to her global warming fanaticism to the point where she has said that she’s just trying to save the planet. We all know that someone did that over 2,000 years ago, they saved the planet — we didn’t need Nancy Pelosi to do that.” Al Gore saved the planet 2,000 years ago, too? Well he obviously didn’t do a very good job then; why should we trust him now? Oh and Michele Bachmann, she’s nuts, just completely gone. –JN

Wednesday

Jeremiah Wright Does Not Plan to Release Presidency-Sinking Book About Obama After All
Hey, maybe Jeremiah Wright wants Barack Obama to be president after all! Following EXPLOSIVE reports that he was going to publish a picture book in October featuring Barack Obama getting AIDS from the Muslim prophet Mohammad, Reverend Wright’s daughter now says that he has absolutely no plans to write a book any time soon. She also says her father would respond personally to e-mail inquiries, but he is in “e-mail hell,” which we are informed means “a place in Ghana where it’s difficult to send and receive e-mail.” When will Barack Obama apologize for his former pastor’s daughter using the word “hell” so glibly? –SKS

Fundies Literally Praying for Rain During Obama’s Convention Speech
“Doctor” James Dobson’s hub of fundies, Focus on the Family, is worse than Hitler, Stalin, Chairman Mao, Lyndon Johnson, and Senator-cum-Emperor freaking Palpatine combined, times a billion, squared, plus seven. While some “new-wave” fundies show potential to be not quite as awful — they care about poverty! — we still have to deal with the likes of Old Dobson and his minions, however muted they are these days, for like another 10 years before he hopefully dies, alone, one cell croaking painfully at a time. Look at these twats, now they are “praying for a deluge to drown out Barack Obama at the Democratic National Convention in two weeks’ time.” They are asking for “abundant, torrential” downpours. And they’ve made a video for this!

“Would it be wrong to pray for rain?” Stuart Shepard, an adult retard, asks 700 times. We don’t know, dude! Let’s try to figure this out, if this would be “wrong.”

First of all, we guess it wouldn’t be wrong because it wouldn’t matter if you prayed, because there is no God. How do we know this? Logic:

• God would certainly kill Stuart Shepard with lightning.

• Stuart Shepard is still alive.

• There is no God.

Second, it wouldn’t be “wrong” because a rainy Denver Hope Party would be fun! Buncha hot Denvernians runnin’ around in wet T-shirts, Barack Obama talkin’ in a wet suit shirt, mud fights ’n’ sitch. Rain = peace! Isn’t that like a literary archetype? –JN

Why Won’t Obama Apologize for Dead Bigfoot?
Some dudes say they’ve found a dead Bigfoot, in Georgia! It is being revealed to The Media in Palo Alto, which is on the other side of the country, in California. We are pretty sure it’s just a dead stoner-hillbilly, maybe from Lynyrd Skynyrd or something, but what the hell, maybe eight-foot-tall hair-apes really do wander our nation, voting for Hillary. Why won’t Barack Obama stop his Indonesian Sex Tourism and protect America from Dead Georgian Hair-Apes? –Ken Layne

Thursday

Will John McCain Select Known Abortionist Tom Ridge as His Vice President?
Maverick John McCain is at it again, sticking his finger in the eye of the Republican establishment by saying he wouldn’t rule out a pro-choice running mate. Two names came to mind — Tom Ridge and Michael Bloomberg — and in a recent interview with the Weekly Standard McCain strained to point out that Ridge was far more appealing because he only loved abortions, not both abortions and The Gays.

“I think it’s a fundamental tenet of our party to be pro-life but that does not mean we exclude people from our party that are pro-choice. We just have a – albeit strong – but just it’s a disagreement. And I think Ridge is a great example of that. Far moreso than Bloomberg, because Bloomberg is pro-gay rights, pro, you know, a number of other issues,” McCain said. In other words, a Vice President Bloomberg would administer compulsory gay abortions on the White House lawn in celebration of the Wiccan Summer Solstice. A Vice President Ridge, however, would discreetly perform his abortions in the White House bowling alley like a real man.

All this speculation adds up to one obvious conclusion: John McCain is wriggling mightily to get out of asking Mitt Romney to be his running mate, which is why it will be so hilarious when he finally has to cave. –SKS

Kwame Kilpatrick Allowed to Attend Democratic National Convention
The Mayor of Detroit has gotten into more scrapes than Harriet the Spy and Ramona Quimby combined, times a million. Nonetheless, Kwame Kilpatrick will get to throw off his electronical tether and CUT LOOSE at the Democratic National Convention in Denver later on this month. The judge who has been so mean to him lately, throwing him in jail for various things, said it would be fine for Kilpatrick to go be a superdelegate at the convention because “No one has been found guilty of anything … Let’s not trash the Constitution.” Well, that sounds oddly reasonable! We look forward to running into the Mayor at the Verizon Wireless store, where he will be buying phones to send sexy text messages to Madeleine Albright. –SKS

U.S. Troops Give Barack Obama Their Elitist ‘Money’
Oh ho ho! Look what Open Secrets and Americablog tell us: “According to an analysis of campaign contributions by the nonpartisan Center for Responsive Politics, Democrat Barack Obama has received nearly six times as much money from troops deployed overseas at the time of their contributions than has Republican John McCain, and the fiercely antiwar Ron Paul, though he suspended his campaign for the Republican nomination months ago, has received more than four times McCain’s haul.” Wow. Barack Obama hates American troops so much that he takes all of their money! –JN

Senator Norm Coleman Didn’t Pay Utility Bills at Tragic Hovel
It is common knowledge around D.C. that Hobo King Norm Coleman sleeps in a drawer and gives handjobs for lunch money. But NOW it turns out that he also failed for a whole year to pay the utilities on the six-cubic-foot basement dungeon he rents from some pal of his. He is truly the most corrupt legislator invented since, who is it, that guy with the astonishing head-merkin.

Here is the deal with your dirty Senator Coleman: He rents a wee room from some lobbyist friend, and once he skipped rent for a few months, and apparently didn’t pay a single cent to keep the lights on in his depressing little box for a year, and also he paid his friend in used furniture once.

Norm Coleman is an emotionally deranged homeless man who should never leave his box without strict instructions pinned to his jacket lapel. –SKS

Good-For-Nothing Firefighters Endorse Obama
Socialist villain Barack Obama has been endorsed by another group of Blame America First gay sellouts, those lazy clowns known as “America’s Firefighters.” The International Association of Fire Fighters is endorsing Obama at some fire in Las Vegas today, because the Democratic candidate thinks lazy firemen deserve “collective bargaining,” which sounds pretty communist, so that’s why John McCain is bravely against firefighters getting paid a decent wage. –KL

Musharraf Has Had It
“Faced with desertions by his political supporters and the neutrality of the Pakistani military, President Pervez Musharraf of Pakistan, an important ally of the United States, is expected to resign in the next few days rather than face impeachment charges, Pakistani politicians and Western diplomats said Thursday.” Ha, so much for that guy. Will Benazir Bhutto take over by default now? Oh right, she’s very dead. We should squeeze Mitt Romney in a little box and mail him to Pakistan and be like, “this guy’s awesome, let him take over.” That would be so great, they’d have no idea. –JN

Friday

Magnificently Awkward Living Arrangements Took Key Role in Edwards Sex Cover-Up
One of the weirder angles on the John Edwards Sex Scandal is the part where the guy who says he’s Rielle Hunter’s baby daddy, Andrew Young, has to live in the same weird compound (OK FINE A “GATED COMMUNITY”) in North Carolina as Rielle Hunter, and then they all have to move to California, together, with their families, including Mrs. Young and their three children, because they are all in a terrible sex-induced Witness Protection Program.

“When Ms. Hunter, her baby and the Youngs moved to California around the end of last year, they all initially lived in the same residence, according to an associate of Mr. Young and Mr. Edwards.

“But the arrangement strained relationships, and Ms. Hunter moved into a different residence, which cost about $6,000 a month in rent.”

If there were truly a God this would already be a sitcom in production, starring Dylan McDermott as the frazzled faux-adulterer trying to keep the peace between his old boss’s pregnant floozy (Christina Applegate) and his own comically resentful, wisecracking wife (Allison Janney). And then God would bury the production studio in hot lava. –SKS

John McCain Is President of Sports
Does Barack Obama have a “major league sports team owner” problem? It sure looks like it, because he has not raised nearly as much money from this crucial demographic as that other guy, John McCain. McCain has raised more than $3.2 million from major sports team owners and their families, while Barack Obama has raised only $615,000 — despite the fact that Obama is way better at basketball. Too bad Obama is too much of an elitist to relate to simple, working-class multimillionaire sports team owners. –SKS

Main Stream Media Ignores Scurrilous Rumors, But Picks Up Completely Insane Ones
Everyone should thank CNN today for thoroughly debunking the “rumor” that Barack Obama is the Antichrist (seriously, this is somehow classified as a “rumor,” that Obama may have magical powers). The big headline, “OBAMA THE ANTICHRIST?” along with the subhed claiming that this is a real “debate” online and thousands of other images of ANTICHRIST ANTICHRIST EVIL SATAN were very necessary for the viewers watching said debunking. Raw Story has the video. Oh and let’s thank CNN for covering this same thing yesterday, too. –JN

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