Wonkette Weekette! August 28, 2008

Monday

Andrea Mitchell Is Definitely a Shill for Either the Democrats or the Republicans
Someday Andrea Mitchell will publish her memoirs and it will be the most rollicking account of a sassy girl reporter navigating our nation’s halls of power since Barbara Walters’s book came out. It will be all about crazy three-ways with Objectivists and that time she shared a spliff with Spiro Agnew. But in the meantime, everybody is constantly being mean to Andrea Mitchell because she’s always shilling for the other guy.

Way back in late July, when people were oohing and aahing over Barack Obama’s European concert tour with the Decemberists, Andrea Mitchell was making Democrats mad by complaining about lack of press access. Now Andrea Mitchell is making Republicans mad by passing along speculation that John McCain was not imprisoned in a soundproof dunce cap before he went on Rick Warren’s little religion discussion thingy.

So is this gal actually a “good journalist”? Or is she just a puppet who just reads out loud whatever angry memo she just received from whichever presidential campaign happened to just send one? Time will tell, and in the meantime we await her tales of going bobsledding drunk with Margaret Thatcher. –Sara K. Smith

Barack Obama Is President of Fundraising
Obama raised $51 million in July, compared to John McCain’s $27 million. The Republican National Committee still has way more cash on hand than its Democratic counterpart, however, because the Democrats are spending all their money on beer and weed. –SKS

Joe Biden Is Totally Going to Be Veep Nominee
Let’s review the list of people who will not be Barack Obama’s running mate: Hillary Clinton, because she would poison him; Jack Reed, because he isn’t interested; Tim Kaine, because of the eyebrows; and Joan Allen, because of her rumored college sex orgy. Now there is only one human left on the planet who meets Barack Obama’s stringent requirements of gravitas, foreign policy chops, and hair plugs …

It’s Joe Biden!

Biden has been in office for 400 zillion years serving the pirate state of Delaware. He ran fairly convincingly for president once before he was felled by a plagiarism scandal that people would probably just yawn at today and be like, “Get back to us when you have a half-dozen illegitimate children, a couple felony convictions, and an underage boyfriend in Cuba.” Yes, his hairline has grown suspiciously more lush with age, and yes, he does have a tendency to run on sometimes, but he also has a decent sense of humor and seems like an OK dude.

We mention this because when Barack Obama sends you a sexy text message this week saying, “I LOLZ JOE BIDEN,” you will not be so shocked. –SKS

Maverick McCain Won’t Sit in Jesus’s Silence Cone
We sort of already mentioned this, but apparently not enough, as every single e-mail tip to Wonkette today is about the Invincible Cone of Silence and how John McCain was in his “straight talk” limo watching porn instead of humbly contemplating the Terrible Mystery of Jebus within Rick Warren’s meth-massage Silence Cone. But how is this Barack Obama’s fault?

Simple: A game of chance was involved, called a “coin toss.” This result of this gambling was that Barack Obama, a known poker player and favorite candidate of God/Fate, won the coin toss. So he got to go first at the Saddleback Church non-debate about who loves Jesus the most. What was lonesome John McCain supposed to do, follow the rules and stay in the Silence Cone? Fuck that shit. John McCain is a billionaire maverick and the only thing he hates more than Jesus or common people is following rules.

So he just cold hung out in his limo or bus or whatever, and then he got caught, and his campaign sent an angry letter to NBC for somehow also causing McCain to get caught breaking the basic rules of Christianity. –Ken Layne

Thunder? Stolen
John McCain will appear on the Jay Leno program a week from tonight, which is opening night of the Democratic National Convention. Old Olympic swimmer gal Dara Torres will also be on the program, and she provides a clear contrast to the French Africans speaking in Denver that night: Michelle Obama and Nancy Pelosi. McCain is expected to make jokes about how he and a gorilla want to rape Michelle Obama, Nancy Pelosi, and Dara Torres. –Jim Newell

Tuesday

Cindy McCain Has Secret Angry Half-Sister
Kathleen Portalksi is no Cooter Obama, but she’ll do! This lady is 11 years older than her more famous half-sister, Cindy McCain. And when their father (Jim Hensley) died, he left just $10,000 to Kathleen and bequeathed his entire massive beer fortune to Cindy. That is pretty fucking harsh.

And now Cindy is only making things worse by telling people she was “an only child,” which is technically true, if you don’t count the kids her parents had with other people before they were married.

Oh and also Cindy and Kathleen are virtually neighbors, in that Kathleen and her impoverished retired husband live in a “modest home” in Phoenix, while Cindy and her massively wealthy Ferragamo-loving husband live in a dozen-ish baronial estates including one in Phoenix. –SKS

Wednesday

Tony Rodham Still Ruining Everything
You may remember Tony Rodham from the 1990s when he and his brother Hugh were constantly getting their sister Hillary Clinton in trouble by securing pardons for their buddies, befriending hostile foreign leaders, having affairs, doing drugs, and so forth and so on. They were not very classy folks, unlike their morally stalwart sister and her husband, the President. And now Tony is back, fucking everything up again, and hosting a get-together with John McCain’s female outreach coordinator, Carly Fiorina, in an area of Pennsylvania that voted heavily for Clinton in the primary. –JN

Poor Babies
Apparently all Democratic Senators are complaining about how each is allotted only eight tickets to Barack Obama’s convention speech at Invesco Field. So everyone get together, let’s say it in unison, here we go: Aww. –JN

Rep. Tubbs Jones in Bad Shape
“Rep. Stephanie Tubbs Jones, D-Ohio, is reported to have suffered an aneurysm and is not expected to recover, according to CBS affiliate WOIO in Cleveland. WOIO also reported that the congresswoman is on life support at this time.” Update: Congresswoman Stephanie Tubbs Jones has died.

Thursday

Hillary Clinton to Whip Her Own Supporters
This is great news: “In an unusual move, Hillary Clinton’s staff is creating a 40-member ‘whip team’ at the Denver Democratic convention to ensure that her supporters don’t engage in embarrassing anti-Obama demonstrations during the floor vote on her nomination.” Whipping unruly Hilltards on the floor of the Democratic convention, well boy howdy. We want in. Imagine: Some Bitter starts shouting about Nobama until you walk up, unfurl, then *WHOOSH* *CRACK* and it’s off to the races. Hillary & Barry cackle from afar, approvingly, as one. So where, pray tell, is the sign-up sheet? –JN

John McCain Does Not Know How Many Baronial Estates He Has
In 2004 all the Republicans hated the Democratic ex-Navy plutocrat married to an insanely wealthy (and just insane) woman. But now that it is 2008, all the Democrats hate the Republican ex-Navy plutocrat married to an insanely wealthy, insane woman. How awful is Fat Cat John McCain? So awful that he literally has no idea how many homes “he” owns.

Maybe like a half-dozen or so?

This is why everybody on John McCain’s staff has quit, twice: Because whenever he is asked a question that cannot be answered with “War is hell, and that’s why I have such a raging boner for War,” he punts the question to his poor beleaguered staff, who have to figure out how to answer the question in a way that does not reveal their boss is senile or an asshole. –SKS

Hillary for Veep!
For weeks John McCain has been saying, “Barack Obama is a pansy the end,” and Barack Obama has been saying, “That’s not very dignified of you,” and so now of course Barack Obama is losing the RACE FOR THE WHITE HOUSE. How can he turn it around and win this thing? By making Hillary Clinton his vice president, which will be fantastic and hilarious because they hate each other so much.

Basically, all the other VP picks are boring, and a bunch of racist old Bitters who Hillary coaxed into the Democratic fold are rapidly defecting to McCain. But an Obama-Clinton ticket would get the Hilltards back on the bus, plus Barry clearly needs somebody who’s vicious.

Also we would like to find out if Andrew Sullivan’s body could continue to type 70 blog posts a day after his head explodes. –SKS

McCain Hits Back: ‘Obama Million$ Elite Bitter Cling Arugula Rezko Black’
This thing about John McCain’s houses is too good. John McCain cannot remember how many houses he owns, because he doesn’t really own any, because his wife inherited most of them. You know, his wife, Cindy — the same Cindy whose father bought WALNUTS! a seat in Congress as a wedding gift. John McCain’s life has been so kooky! And that’s why his campaign released a comical statement today in response to Obama’s new “Seven Houses” ad. It is, how shall we say, loaded?

They have foolishly omitted William Ayers, and some other stuff. But not much:

“Does a guy who made more than $4 million last year, just got back from vacation on a private beach in Hawaii, and bought his own million-dollar mansion with the help of a convicted felon really want to get into a debate about houses? Does a guy who worries about the price of arugula and thinks regular people ‘cling’ to guns and religion in the face of economic hardship really want to have a debate about who’s in touch with regular Americans?”

$4 million … wouldn’t that make Barry middle class by McCain’s own standards, by a full $1 million? At least Barry’s money is his own, and he’s not some crazy old kept husband mooch. And Barry made most of his money from his books which he *wrote*, whereas John McCain’s books are all creepily written by Mark Salter.

(PSST: Mark Salter is known as a hackneyed, trite sort within erudite literary circles! Oh golly wolly we’ve spilled the beans!) –JN

Did John Edwards Have More Sex with Ladies?

Intrepid blog reporter Choire Sicha hears that a New York Times Metro reporter is digging into “a story about John Edwards and a Duke graduate.” We are Ethical and don’t want to spread scurrilous rumors, but maybe John Edwards has been fucking a Duke graduate? Maybe John Edwards has been fucking seven Duke graduates and had like 20 babies with each of them, who knows, there must be more information out there. –JN

Obama Appears to Have Selected Some Mysterious Centrist
As we wait for the wicked nasty response ad about Rezko and Ayers that the McCain team is surely splicing together right now, let’s “read” some tea leaves: “CHICAGO – Barack Obama says he’s decided on a running mate, but he won’t say who. The Democratic presidential candidate told USA Today on Thursday that he went with someone who is independent and would challenge him in the White House. He also said he wanted someone who is prepared to be president and would help him strengthen the economy.” He’s so weird. Why would anyone want a vice president that would “challenge” him? Sounds like a pain in the rear. But that aside, this obviously changes everything we ever knew about the veepstakes and really everything else too.

Barack Obama will absolutely pick one of these people, given what he said today:

• Michael Bloomberg: Because when Obama said “independent,” he must have surely 100% meant “registered as an independent.” And Michael Bloomberg is just that! And he’s also a billionaire businessman, meaning (a) he knows how to “strengthen the economy” — by getting “Bloomberg Asia” in more American cable packages — and (b) HE CAN PAY FOR THE REST OF THE CAMPAIGN. And he’ll “challenge” Obama by telling him to bomb every country that surrounds Israel.

• Chuck Hagel: Not registered as an independent but is considered an independent because, uh, he broke with the Republican party over one issue in his entire life. But he probably knows nothing about the economy. He was in wars though, just like Walnuts.

• Hillary Clinton: Will “challenge” Obama by shooting him in the fucking skull.

• Joe Lieberman: Imagine, it’s Saturday, Obama’s introducing his new vice president. And then from behind the mysterious velvet curtain it’s, HOLY SHIT, IT’S JOE LIEBERMAN. Joe then tells us that he’s been a double agent these last few years, pretending to “make good” with the neocons and Republicans to learn their secrets. Putting his life at risk. But now he’s back and he’s got a game plan. The crowd goes nuts. Seriously. They’ve done this in movies and shit and it’s always great.

• Those are the only people who can possibly be vice president now. Other dark horses include Evan Bayh, Joe Biden, Tim Kaine, Kathleen Sebelius, Intern Juli, Dick Cheney, and Walter Mondale. –JN

McCain Campaign Says Obama Would Hit a Lady

The McCain people are pretty hopped up on steroids today and are issuing some tuff talk after this morning’s delightful housing kerfuffle. They’re putting the finishing touches on an ad about Obama’s “slum landlord” friend Tony Rezko, a topic they claim to have avoided before today, when Obama supposedly “opened the door” to this sort of nasty attack. To most people this logic would be a non sequitur — but most people do not understand logic quite like the McCain Rapid Response Team!

According to a McCain official, McCain’s previous attacks about Obama “[reflect] an existential reality,” whereas Obama’s attack this morning was a PERSONAL AFFRONT TO CINDY: “She owns the homes. I thought he said the wives were off-limits.” See? Whenever McCain civilly offers voters his intellectually nuanced take on Obama’s existential placement in a world-historical hierarchy per se, dirty old Barry responds by lungin’ for two handfuls of sweet, supple Cougar goodness. –JN

Friday

Obama Calls Failed VP Candidates to Officially Neg Them
That Barack Obama, he’s such a gentleman! Not only does he carry his own luggage when he gets off a plane, he also personally calls the people who will not be his running mates to say, “Sorry bro you are not the one.” (He says “bro” every time because his running mate will be Hillary Clinton.)

So uh who did he call last night with this tragic news? Basically he has been prank calling Joe Biden every night for two horrible weeks and chortling over what a loser he is. Barack Obama is a monster. –SKS

SATURDAY

Joe Biden, Really? AP/NYT/Etc. Says Yes He Can
Look, we think Joe Biden is kind of funny, too. But, uh, come the fuck on, AP and CNN and everybody, do you really want this? Biden, he is smart, he knows some things, he would be great on a New Yorker podcast or whatever, but … Eh, time for bed, finally. When Obama rings in the morning, at 4 a.m., with bad news, we are just going to treat it like any other TXT from some money-wanting no-can-having drunk. Meanwhile, we think of Bill Richardson, we even think of Old Jack Reed the father we never found, we think of Neal Cassady. –KL

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