Wonkette Weekette! July 10, 2008

Monday

America’s Worst Governor Caught Humping Old Playmate

Drunken lout and serial cheater Jim Gibbons took a break from ruining Nevada to get caught cheating on his soon-to-be ex-wife Dawn, again, in the parking lot of the Reno Rodeo. Stay classy, Jim. –Ken Layne

Each Democratic VP Candidate Uniquely Unqualified to Be Veep

Someday soon-ish, Barack Obama will have to pick a running mate. Alas, it has been many moons since a celestial human born without Sin walked among us, so Our Barry is forced to pull his vice president from a pool of reprobates, losers, and women who are too attractive to be paired with such a handsome man. Seriously! Join us on our tour of three prospective candidates who will never ever be vice president, per New York magazine.

1.Chuck Hagel: Well, this one’s easy. He’s a Republican, and the only person who seriously wants Chuck Hagel on the ticket is Ted Sorenson. Literally, no other person on the planet thinks this is a good idea.

2.Joe Biden: Too old, too experienced, not “change-y” enough.

3.Kathleen Sebelius: Will stoke anti-misce-genation sentiment among white male voters by arousing fears that black men are once again stealing all the hot non-colored ladies. This is an actual concern cited by “a savvy operative with ties to organized labor.”

Hillary Clinton is, as we speak, plotting to murder Bill Richardson with an exploding cigar. –Sara K. Smith

Will George W. Bush Assassination Cover-Up Movie Ever Be Released?

The Los Angeles Times reports that Oliver Stone is STILL working on his terrible “W” biopic, which will include his signature “twist ending” in which the hero is assassinated by the CIA. This movie is a guaranteed epic tragedy of Shakespearean proportions, with Elizabeth Banks as Queen Gertrude.

One of the more awful aspects of this $30 million dollar abortion is that it features a “baseball-oriented fantasy framing device.” Also, Oliver Stone says, “We are trying to walk in the footsteps of W and try to feel like he does, to try to get inside his head.” So we are forced to conclude this movie will basically be like Animal Planet’s Puppy Bowl, except on a baseball field. –SKS

Sexy Satanist Southern Democrat Couple Accused of Rape, Satanism

Meet local Democratic leader Joy Johnson, of Durham, N.C. – she’s (allegedly) a crazy Satanist! Johnson and her younger husband, Joseph Craig, have been charged with a variety of rape and torture and kidnapping crimes, all because of “a satanic ritual that got out of hand.”

Johnson allegedly helped – and watched! – as Craig allegedly raped one of his victims and beat the hell out of another one and kept others starving in cages. Sexy!

The male and female victims met Craig and Johnson “through a shared interest in Satan worship.” We have not explored this particular dark alley of Craigslist, but it’s good to know there are so many local options – even in North Carolina! – for spicing up a marriage with Satanic sex crimes.

Oh, Johnson has resigned as “third vice-chair of the Durham County Democratic Party and vice-chair for the Young Democrats,” because the Democratic Party will not tolerate Satanic Rituals that get “out of hand.”

Experts say that even though the accused couple look like your basic Office Park Pudge duo who might enjoy a Pizza Hut stuffed-cheese-crust or three while watching a sitcom, you can usually tell Satanists by their “furtive little black eyes, lifeless eyes, like a doll’s eyes.” You know, like Jim Lehrer, or Wesley Clark. –KL

Shut Up, Wes Clark

Meet General Wesley Clark, the secret GOP operative with the black, beady eyes of a born sociopath. (Or Jim Lehrer.) After spending four years windsurfing with John Kerry in Hell, he came back to remind America why he should never open his yap on the teevee. This weekend on Face the Nation, he said that John McCain’s experience riding in a fighter plane did not translate into preparation for executive office – which, while completely true, met with utterly predictable outrage.

Now Republicans, Patriots, and war porn connoisseurs get to express disgust over Clark’s terrible smear of John McCain’s glorious war record, and every time some Proud Democrat says “Hey but wait a minute!” the world can get regaled, yet again, with the story of John McCain getting his arms sawed off in Vietnam while Barack Obama was off studying Muslim theology in the South Pacific.

At time of writing David Axelrod had been hastily dispatched to track down Wesley Clark and whisk him to a secret Democrat prison. –SKS

Tuesday

Hello, Super Double Great Depression!

We seem to be having some economic problems. Los Angeles billionaire Eli Broad (the “B” in KB Homes) tells Bloomberg that “this is worse than any recession we’ve had since World War II.” Bloomberg editors noted, on Friday, that U.S. stock declines hadn’t been so lousy since June of 1930, during that Great Depression. Ah, hell ….

The Dow is negative 20% over the first half of 2008 and that means Bear Stearns Markets and National Sorrow (worse than usual).

Gas is $4.50 a gallon. Propane and Electricity are terribly expensive, as are food and water and cigarettes and guns and health insurance.

Also, anybody working for Big Corporation can be expected to be pushed off-line by an off-shore space monster, soon. –KL

So Maybe This Chubby Nobel Laureate Would Like to Be Vice President, Again!

Well, hell. This Sebelius gal won’t be Obama’s veep because she has a long face; Chuck Hagel won’t work because he’s a Republican; and Joe Biden won’t because … oh no wait maybe Joe Biden would work! Yeah, he’s got an okay face for it, and hair plugs, and “foreign” experience. But you know who would RULE? The fat one who made the slide show about climate change.

You see, Al Gore already lived in the Naval Observatory once, so installing him again would be a simple matter of switching the utility bills back over to his name. This is literally the only reason we can think of anyone entertaining this terrible notion. Oh, and he is an “international rock star,” whatever the fuck that means. –SKS

Toilet Queen Larry Craig and Hooker-Using Diaperman David Vitter Sponsor Traditional Marriage Bill

Republican Senator Larry Craig can’t walk past a public restroom without rushing in and offering to suck everybody’s cock. Republican Senator David Vitter spends all his time and money fucking hookers while shitting in his Depends. Imagine what these creeps might do if homosexual couples got married!

And sometimes the news is Beyond Comedy. What can you really say about Larry Craig and David Vitter co-sponsoring a Senate bill to forever change the U.S. Constitution just to make sure some gay people don’t have a wedding? What will these Moral Crusaders do next, criminalize prostitution and cruise bathrooms for blowjobs? Oh, wait …. –KL

This Will Turn Out Well

House Republicans would have to win back 19 seats in November to “Reclaim Our Majority,” which is why Roy Blunt’s big plan is to back exactly TWO GOP challengers. –KL

Wednesday

Crazy Times for Walnuts McCain and America

Nobody is too enthused about this whole McCain deal, and time is slowing to a crawl as the Voting Public and News Media realize they need to pretend to care about this until a week after Halloween, which seems like 10,000,000 years away, and may never happen anyway, because of the Nuclear War with Iran or whatever Cheney’s working on, for an encore. But Juan McCain is out there all the time, presumably, doing things, campaigning to his constituency (in Mexico), etc. Let’s check in, because there has been a Campaign Shake Up!!!

• New boss for the Old Walnuts Express! It’s Steve Schmidt, a completely bald Rove henchman. He is hiring a bunch of Fox News producers, because the Republicans are all still cringing over that awful Louisiana speech the night Obama clinched the nomination. “During that speech, Mr. McCain stood in front of a green background facing a low-energy crowd of supporters, providing a startling contrast with Mr. Obama’s supporters.” [Politico/NYT]

• McCain likes to go to other countries, where the people are tinier, because he’s just a little fellow. So he keeps going to these countries, such as Mexico and Colombia, even though they aren’t really voting that much in the U.S. elections. His staff doesn’t actually want him campaigning in Mexico or the Congo all the time, but he’s such a crazy old bastard and nobody wants to get yelled at, either. [New York Times]

• One reason Juan McCain loves Latin America is that he might get to rough up a Communist. During a 1987 diplomatic mission to Nicaragua, McCain allegedly manhandled some dude in Daniel Ortega’s Sandinista government. What a dick! An old, cranky dick. [St. Louis Post-Dispatch]

Thursday

Ponch and John (McCain!) 4 Eva

All the coolest fake actors love John McCain! Erik Estrada, the guy who played Ponch on the beloved American cop show CHiPs, will be hosting a big fundraiser for the Republican candidate. CHiPs was very popular in the late nineteen hundred and seventies, when every American female had to declare her sworn allegiance to either the dark and mysterious Francis “Ponch” Poncherello or “Jon,” the guy who looked like John Denver. Ponch devotees were summarily deported to Iran, whereas fans of Jon were told that their guy was pretty boring.

Erik Estrada is now a part-time cop in Muncie, Indiana, and also works in Bedford County, Virginia, as a “full-time deputy sheriff.” Basically he loves COPS COPS COPS and also John McCain, whom he supports for President. He is still, disturbingly, sort of hot. –SKS

The Obamas Need a Dog!

The American Kennel Club wants to know what kind of dog you think the Obama family should get once they are all elected president. The two youngest President Obamas, Malia and Sasha, have Elitist allergies so they will need a fancy hypoallergenic dog instead of a nice old mutt from the D.C. pound who would love them forever for springing it from Dog Prison.

In a perfect world, the Obamas would of course get an Airedale terrier: the proud pet of Presidents Theodore Roosevelt, Calvin Coolidge, and Warren Harding, and a lovable goofus who will happily rip off the balls of its owner’s enemies.

But that isn’t an option as far as the AKC is concerned, so Wonkette readers are implored to vote for the Chinese Crested. Not only is it the most terrifyingly ugly animal on the planet, it is also from the Red Chinese, so Lou Dobbs will hate it an extra lot. –SKS

Our Presidential Candidates Are Nasty to Everyone

John McCain and Barack Obama are two of the rudest men alive, and the proof is that one likes to bawl out his colleagues in the most unprintable terms imaginable while the other one refuses to write on childrens’ hands. Let’s learn more about these savage creeps and the many rules of etiquette they have broken.

• At first it looked like Barack Obama refused to trade terrorist fist jabs with a little boy, but in fact he was refusing to write his name on the kid’s hand. This is probably because he knows what kind of price an Obama-autographed human hand would fetch on eBay, and he is an elitist who doesn’t want the Poors to get rich on his autographs.

• Barack Obama called a reporter “sweetie” and then issued an insincere-sounding apology.

• He also yelled at a racist old lady once.

• John McCain called his wife That Word that one time.

• John McCain is also constantly flying into fits of rage, usually when he’s feeling defensive about the latest terrible thing he’s done.

America should have a do-over on this whole election and nominate the courteous, clean-cut dog torturer and the lady who repaid almost $90,000 worth of gifts from her shady friends when it became too embarrassingly tacky to hold on to them. –SKS

Charlie Crist Getting Married So He Can Pretend to Be McCain’s Vice President Until November

Orange-skinned Florida “bachelor 4 life” Charlie Crist is the latest in Florida’s long line of moderate Republican politicians who live swinging, middle-aged male lives without women. But he apparently really wants to lose with John McCain this fall, so he has announced the impending tinkle of little wedding bells!

Charlie was married for like five days way back in 1980, but that didn’t work out so well, due to differences between Charlie and the lady, whoever she was. He had some fake girlfriend last year; we don’t remember what happened to her. And there was that one time Jeb Bush called a reporter a jackass for asking about Crist’s sexytime or something.

His new gal pal is … eh, Google her, read the story, we are late for dinner. Happy July the 3rd leading to the July 4 holiday weekend, everybody!! –KL

Friday

Jesse Helms Finally Dead

We interrupt your Fourth of July with some Breaking News: Jesse Helms was apparently still alive, and now he’s dead, hooray! He was a sour troll and a bigot, and it’s a testament to every rotten thing about this country that for a quarter century, he was one of the most powerful people in American politics. –KL

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