Wonkette Weekette! July 3, 2008

Monday

Tom Brokaw Is Your New Tim Russert!

A week and a half ago NBC newsman and Meet the Press moderator Tim Russert died, and the earth stopped in its orbit and let out a wild yawp of despair for the most wonderful person who ever lived. Speculation quickly ensued about who would replace Russert in a job that he alone among all living humans was uniquely suited to do: sit in a chair and ask politicians questions. And now we know who will host Meet the Press until the “election,” which will be called off at the last minute when we start bombing Iran. It’s Tom Brokaw!

Tom Brokaw comes from South Dakota and talks funny. He attained fame and created a virtual cottage industry as the cultural ambassador for World War II porn enthusiasts by fetishizing a generation of people unfortunate enough to be born before the creation of the XBox and the abolishment of the draft. This generation was superior to all generations before or after, with the exception of Tim Russert, who was better than all of them combined. –Sara K. Smith

Vito Fossella Can’t Catch a Break

Vito Fossella, Staten Island’s beloved congressman, won America’s heart with his drunk-driving, mistress-having, love-child-fathering ways. Of course, such a free spirit could not stay in Congress so he planned not to run for re-election. The Staten Island Republican Party searched and searched for somebody to run for Fossella’s spot, and all these people said, “Uh, no thanks, I have to floss my dog,” and finally a nice man named Frank Powers said “OK, I’ll do it,” but now he is dead. Maybe our Vito will reconsider his retirement plans. Two more years! –SKS

Obama Nixes Stupid ‘Great Seal’ Remake

The national press corps is not used to covering a “confident” Democratic presidential candidate, at least in this decade. So much confidence, in fact, that the candidate won’t always bend over backwards to talk to the press, or to leak internal drama to the press! Ergo, the press has decided that Obama is arrogant. And when they saw Obama speak behind a new “great seal” of his on Friday – definitely the lamest stunt we can remember from Hopey – this confirmed to the press that Obama is too arrogant. Obama arrogantly got the message and arrogantly ditched the great seal and did some other arrogant stuff, like believe he might actually win this thing. –Jim Newell

Rove to Republicans: Obama Is Totally ‘That Guy’ at the Country Club

Brilliant Republican strategist Karl Rove is not Arrogant, or an Elitist. He has helped his party help poor people and the underrepresented by flying young men and women to Iraq, which they may colonize for a brighter, more prosperous future. Rove knows what an Elitist is, and it is Elitist Barack Obama. This morning, Rove was speaking with a group of poor, Average Americans known as “Republican insiders at the Capitol Hill Club” to describe, in layman’s terms, Barack Obama: he is like “that guy” at the “country club” who, uh, won’t be sociable with the other members. And if Bitters know one thing, it’s the subtle internal politics of country club cocktail hours.

ABC News was on the scene:

ABC News’ Christianne Klein reports that at a breakfast with Republican insiders at the Capitol Hill Club this morning, former White House senior aide Karl Rove referred to Sen. Barack Obama, D-Illinois, as “coolly arrogant.”

“Even if you never met him, you know this guy,” Rove said, per Christianne Klein. “He’s the guy at the country club with the beautiful date, holding a martini and a cigarette that stands against the wall and makes snide comments about everyone who passes by.” –JN

Perchance You Mean … Our Nemesis?

We are familiar with that rapscallion of ancient archetype, the flaneur who disregards the trappings of wealth, the bonhomie of chums, for McGovernish tobacco “pulls” and conical spirits!

The American people will not stand for a candidate who hates the atmosphere of country clubs. –JN

Gay Governor Charlie Crist Makes Up Girlfriend in Interview

The New York Times Magazine’s Deborah Solomon has a reputation for being very “forward” in her weekly interviews. Or sometimes it’s just very unprepared, like that time she asked Stephen Colbert about his dad, and Colbert said his dad died in a plane crash when he was 10, and Solomon responded, “I’m so sorry. I had no idea.” Ha ha, weird! She is terribly awkward, which made this Sunday’s interview with Florida’s secretly gay Governor Charlie Crist such a profound occasion.

They talk about dumb things for most of the interview. Nothing really “meaty.” But just as you’re thinking, “GODDAMNIT, DEBORAH, ASK HIM ABOUT THE SECRET GAY FUCKING, YOU FUCKING PHILISTINE,” she asks, “Your personal life is not that of a typical Republican candidate. For starters, I hear you’re not a property owner.” Now that is one clutch segue. How else is his personal life, say, different?

You were married nearly 30 years ago, but the marriage lasted less than a year. Do you prefer living alone? I got married and divorced because it didn’t work out. I haven’t found the right one since. It’s really that simple.

You can’t find one woman in all of Florida?

Maybe I have. Stay tuned.

And then Crist’s mother appeared in the interview room, knocked out Solomon, and repeatedly asked her son, “Why can’t I meet this nice girl?” Crist said that his gal is very shy and does not like to be pressured so BACK OFF. –JN

Tuesday

Dobson Rails Against Fruitcake Constitution

You know who hates edible Christmas gifts and loves the New Testament? James Dobson, that’s who! And that’s why he despises Barack Obama and his delicious fruitcake Constitution for pointing out that Leviticus says a lot of wacky shit about shellfish. Wait, did that last bit make zero sense? Then it still makes one million times more sense than what Focus on the Family’s leader will be saying on his radio program today.

Here are some other things he has to say about Your Barry, according to an ADVANCE COPY of the segment:

• “I think he’s deliberately distorting the traditional understanding of the Bible to fit his own worldview, his own confused theology.”

• “He is dragging biblical understanding through the gutter.”

• Obama, a Constitutional law professor, subscribes to “a fruitcake interpretation of the Constitution.”

James Dobson also hates John McCain and will probably sit out voting for president altogether this time, so there’s that. MORE FRUITCAKE FOR THE REST OF US. –SKS

George Bush’s Flight Plans Ruin 40,000 British Vacations

George W. Bush, that guy who dances sometimes and gave up golf for the troops, is spending the waning days of his presidency touring the world and bumming out millions of foreigners every day. About a week and a half ago, it was Great Britain’s turn to be wildly inconvenienced by the American President.

He and his entourage of two 747s and four helicopters flew into Heathrow Airport instead of, say, a military base that does not host thousands of international flights every day. At least 69 flights were cancelled and 40,000 travelers’ plans were disrupted so that George Bush’s planes could land in blissful solitude.

According to Willie Walsh, the chief executive of British Airways,

… the disruption began two days before the president’s visit on June 15 and lasted for the two days that his party stayed in the U.K. Heathrow was reduced to one working runway for 30 minutes on June 15 and 16, after its other runway was closed temporarily for the arrival and departure of Air Force One.

Who will our wonderful president annoy next? Stay tuned! –SKS

Vietnamese Guy Who Kicked McCain’s Ass for Five Years Endorses McCain

Tran Trong Duyet is a Vietnamese retiree and “amateur ballroom dancer.” He’s one of those foreign folks that the Western press describes with such words as “sprightly,” like when, say, Barbara Walters interviews the Dalai Lama and calls him “cute” or “adorable.” Ha ha, wacky old Asian men! You just want to fold them into a sparkly lunchbox and take them home as a present for your kitty cat. But in Duyet’s case, he would proceed to beat the shit out of your cat, which is what he did to John

McCain as head of the Hoa Lo prison – the “Hanoi Hilton” – during WALNUTS!’ famous Captivity. Let’s see what cute things he has to say!

“McCain is my friend,” said 75-year-old Mr Duyet as he feeds the caged birds he now keeps in his garden in this coastal city.

“If I was American, I would vote for him.”

See? If John McCain had been a *bird*, then Duyet would’ve politely fed him. What’s not to understand about this? –JN

Bush Thanks Philippine President for Producing Humans That Feed Him

President George W. Bush today played White House host to Philippine President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, the most powerful woman in American history. He used the occasion to congratulate Filipinos everywhere for their remarkable contributions to the world. He did this, of course, by singling out his Filipino cook. ’Cause that dame churns out one helluva steak ’n’ baked.

But Tuesday, welcoming Philippine President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo to the White House, President Bush couldn’t resist getting in a joke about his chef.

First, said Bush, “I want to tell you how proud I am to be the president of a nation that – in which there’s a lot of Philippine Americans. They love America and they love their heritage.”

Second, he continued, “I am reminded of the great talent of the – of our Philippine Americans when I eat dinner at the White House … . And the chef is a great person and a really good cook, by the way, Madam President.”

[Awkward silence, followed by tit squeeze and hyena laugh.]

Also, George Bush knows everything about everything:

He commended Arroyo for what he called a “carrots and sticks approach” in dealing with rebel groups.

“The sticks of course say ‘we’re not going to allow for people to terrorize our citizens.’ The carrot approach is that there’s peace available,” Bush said.

Then that damn Mexican or whatever cook of his brought him carrots, and sticks. –JN

Poll: Americans Reject Maverick Heroes

Proving that Obama’s 15-point lead in last week’s Newsweek poll was a liberal hoax, a hot new L.A. Times poll has Obama’s lead diminishing to a statistically insignificant 12 points, or 15 if you include fictional losers Bob Barr and Ralph Nader. Also, among voters who said they’d vote for McCain, only 45% are “enthusiastic” about doing that (Mexican vs. Muslim, pick your poison etc. etc.), while that figure is 81% for Obama. This just goes to show how screwed the Democrats will be come November. Sooner or later these Obamatards will realize that in the Real World, you don’t “like” politicians or presume they’ve got anything good to offer; you vote for the schlock you completely fucking hate, because why set yourself up for disappointment? –JN

Wednesday

Barack Obama Wants $115.62 for Coffee and a Sandwich

This is totally not change we can believe in! Some poor reporter in Indiana followed Barack Obama around all day on a bus and the Obama campaign billed his employer OVER FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS for that wonderful privilege. Some of the bill applied to transportation and supplies but over $100 was for food – which the reporter ate very little of, because who can work up an appetite for anything except man candy when Our Barry is around?

Here’s the breakdown on the bill:

Meals: $115.62.

Bus: $226.17.

Supplies: $5.54.

Files: $91.41.

Invoice total: $438.74.

Barack Obama is a reporter-bilking plutocrat, the end. –SKS

Nader: Barack Obama Is a Cracker

Ralph Nader decided to open his trap about Barack Obama on Monday in an interview with the Rocky Mountain News, AND: “There’s only one thing different about Barack Obama when it comes to being a Democratic presidential candidate. He’s half African-American. Whether that will make any difference, I don’t know. I haven’t heard him have a strong crackdown on economic exploitation in the ghettos. Payday loans, predatory lending, asbestos, lead. What’s keeping him from doing that? Is it because he wants to talk white?” Indeed, why can’t Wonder Bread Obama over here find himself a damn niche already? –JN

Kiss My Ass, House, and Kiss It Now

It’s Day Two of Hillary Clinton’s return to the Hill! Today she met with the House Democratic Caucus, the members of which formed a single file line to pretend that they hadn’t STOLEN THE ELECTION from her. Charlie Rangel: “She is no longer Bill Clinton’s wife, she is a national and international leader in her own right.” Nancy Pelosi: “She has emerged from this campaign as the most respected political figure in America.” Rahm Emanuel: “Since her campaign started, I have literally masturbated to Hillary Clinton every 15 minutes. Right now, I am masturbating to Hillary Clinton.” –JN

Ted Haggard Finishes Spiritual Restoration, Is No Longer a Homo!

American hero Ted Haggard, the former pastor of a MEGACHURCH in Colorado Springs who quit in 2006 after fucking male prostitutes while on meth, has finally finished his holy “Spiritual Restoration” program, and can do whatever he wants. And all he wants to do is bang his wife and worship Jesus and live in his old house, with Jesus! –JN

Thursday

Obama Ahead in Millions of Battleground States

Oh, hey, look, it’s another poll, from the Numbers People! Exciting new statistics show that Barry Obama is ahead of John McCain in the Muslim state of Michigan, plus Minnesota, Wisconsin, and Colorado. This was a poll among likely voters, which your boyfriend Chuck Todd cautions may not be the best measure in a year when turnout is expected to be OFF THE CHAIN Y’ALL. (Chuck prefers registered voters to likely ones, because he is an Elitist.) The point is, John McCain will win in a landslide when a Terrorist Meteor hits Ohio’s beloved Cornhole Tournament and all of America’s likely voters are deported to Guantánamo. –SKS

Supreme Court Strikes Down D.C. Handgun Ban, Immediately Shoots at Random People

They’ve been talking about it for a while, but the ACTIVIST judges of the Supreme Court today struck down Washington, D.C.’s ban on handgun ownership, voting along Ideological Lines. Hooray! Because we all have guns, and now we don’t have to hide them under our pillows with the safety off anymore, which was not safe in the first place. Justice Antonin Scalia’s majority opinion went along the lines of: “If a bunch of blacks in Anacostia shoot each other, how the hell does that affect me, Tony Scalez?” –JN

Economy Is Somehow More Perfect Than Previously Thought

In today’s edition of Wonkette Economic Newz(TM), the economy grew by 1% in Q1 2008!!!! The original estimate was still an awesome 0.9%, which was awesomer than Q4 2007’s 0.6%, which was awesome too because HOW CAN A PERFECT ECONOMY EVEN GROW AT ALL? Also, the Dow is down like 300 points and Oil is over $140/barrel and Congress has renamed our economy “Jesus’s Money Thing” because why not. –JN

Friday

Senator Norm Coleman Sleeps in a Drawer

Norm Coleman, the hobo senator from Minnesota, rents a basement room from a Republican campaign consultant so he doesn’t have to sleep in the back of a freight car when he’s in Washington. Senator Coleman is supposed to pay $600 a month in rent, but he missed a couple of payments over the past year because he is a degenerate as well as a hobo.

Senator Coleman’s landlord is a gentleman named Jeff Larson, whose employer has helped the senator with fundraising 'n' stuff. Also Larson is the chief executive of the Minneapolis Saint Paul 2008 Host Committee, which is hosting the Republican National Convention.

But enough about their completely above-the-board connections! Apparently this apartment is a frightful dungeon that would terrify all but the most desperate vagrants, and Jeff Larson is a monster:

“I rent a cramped bedroom from him, with no kitchen … . It’s a place to lay my head,” the senator told a reporter.

Somebody needs to notify the proper authorities that a Republican pervert is keeping an impoverished, starving senator in his basement Incest Dungeon, the end. –SKS

Bobby Jindal Is Insane, GOOD GOD, and Will Now Castrate Humans

Vice presidential “hopeful” and Louisiana’s Mexican boy-governor, Bobby Jindal, has just signed into law a very special bill, because he is incapable of vetoing anything and also because HE IS NOT OF THIS WORLD. The bill (now law) here is called “the Sex Offender Chemical Castration Bill, SB 144, authorizing the castration of convicted sex offenders.” You know, forced castration of human beings, by The State.

SB 144 by Senators Nick Gautreaux, Amedee, Dorsey, Duplessis and Mount provides that on a first conviction of aggravated rape, forcible rape, second degree sexual battery, aggravated incest, molestation of a juvenile when the victim is under the age of 13, or an aggravated crime against nature, the court may sentence the offender to undergo chemical castration. On a second conviction of the above listed crimes, the court is required to sentence the offender to undergo chemical castration.

This bill also provides that a court may instead order a physical castration instead of the chemical castration.

It’s funny, because it’s unconstitutional. And you know how the liberals like to complain about that business. Don’t they know we’re at war, with the sex offender terrorists?

Jindal knows, because his “boyish good looks” have surely attracted the wrong sort of Louisiana trash, at soda fountains, for his entire life:

Not only as the Governor of this great state, but as a father of three children, I believe that sexually assaulting a child is one of the very worst crimes and I am glad we have taken such strong measures in Louisiana to put a stop to these monsters’ brutal acts. I want to send the message loud and clear – to the Supreme Court of the United States and beyond – make no mistake about it, if anyone wants to molest children and commit sexual assaults on kids they should not do so here in Louisiana. Here, we will do everything in our power to protect our children and we will not rest until justice is won and we have fully punished those who harm them.

Jindal clearly fucks little boys, all the time, including his own. Right? –JN

Marriage Amendment Has Utterly Predictable Cosponsors

Hey guess who’s cosponsoring yet another one of these “protecting marriage from being forever defiled by hot gay action” Constitutional amendments? Two terrible hypocrites: an adulterous bathroom goblin and an adulterous diaper fetishist. Larry Craig and David Vitter should have gay diapered bathroom sex and then filibuster the crap out of each other, because that is what Jesus wanted when he wrote the Fruitcake Constitution. –SKS

Need … More … Unity

“A day after Obama wrote a $4,600 check to Hillary Clinton, First Read has learned Bill and Hillary Clinton have returned the favor, donating the maximum to the Illinois senator’s campaign, a Clinton spokesperson says.” And Patti Solis Doyle has already spent all of this Unity Money on snow shovels for the upcoming Florida battle. –JN

Breaking: House Passes Sweeping ‘National Corvette Day’ Legislation, Making Oil Cost Like Four Cents

Now that a gallon of gas costs approximately “go fuck yourself” dollars across the nation, the United States House of Representatives is saving the middle class again by introducing legislation that is not only a waste of all human resources, but actually mocks America by romanticizing something which no one can afford. Three cheers to Rep. John Shimkus (R-Ill.) for his “National Corvette Day” bill, for its deserved praise of the “dependence on insanely expensive foreign oil” concept. –JN