Wonkette Weekette! September 4, 2008

Monday

Fox News Attempts Early Convention Sabotage
First the suspicious package, now, per the Denver Post, “AM 760 host Jay Marvin says Fox News has set off sprinkler system in Pepsi Center.” By Tuesday, Steve Doocey will be rappelling in to personally mace Hillary Clinton onstage. –Sara K. Smith

Can Michelle Obama Show America She’s Not Angela Davis & Osama’s Satan Child?
Oh what’s this, now, on the small teevee? It’s Michelle Obama’s sister, “Craig Robinson!” Let’s see what he has to say. Then, his sister’s elite Princeton speech about math or whatever.

10:30 — Michelle memorized every episode of The Brady Bunch, a popular show among white people no one, ever.

10:31 — Michelle Obama wants to help people, says Craig Obama Robinson. ’Murkins don’t do that.

10:33 — He coaches the Oregon State Beavers basketball team. “Go Beavers,” he shouts. This will not be enough to convince PUMAs, this vagina joke of Craig’s.

10:37 — Here is Michelle. She loves her parents, in Chicago, on the South Side, with the Poors.

10:40 — “Barack Obama and I are so similar. He was raised by grandparents and I was raised by parents. But they were all poor, hmm?”

10:42 — It is the anniversary of ladies’ rights and Martin Luther King saving the world. Guess what, we’re exactly halfway through!

10:45 — She loves Hillary Clinton, and so does the crowd. They like Michelle’s being black, but they also like that Hillary Clinton is a woman. Too bad you can’t be each at the same time!

10:47 — This speech is kind of boring. Can Barry just come out and drain 3’s from way downtown?

10:49 — Barack doesn’t care where you’re from or “what your background is.” Which is why he doesn’t honor John McCain’s FIVE AND A HALF YEARS. He doesn’t see those things.

10:54 — Oh look, Michelle is done speaking. Oh those girls are adorable. Do they have speeches to give also? We bet they’ll be about … Barack Obama understanding people.

10:56 — We laughed because, um, WHAT?

10:57 — “Hey Bob, I got this great idea, see. We’ll get these little gals on stage in their dresses or whatever kids wear these days, then we’ll give the damn wife a microphone, and we’ll put their runaway father on the big screen from Missouri, with his ADOPTIVE WHITE FAMILY, the GIRARDOS or something. Then the wife will give the mic to the kids, and they’ll interrupt him with, you know, kid shit or whatever, and it’ll be cute, people’ll love it, won’t be awkward.”

10:59 — That was pretty funny when the announcers said, “Here’s the closing benediction from … DONALD MILLER!” Like, who? Then it was less funny when we all had to stand and pray to Jesus. –Jim Newell

TUESDAY

Black Card
We interrupt this “coverage” of the 2008 Democratic National Convention to report that John “Walnuts” McCain, when asked by Jay Leno this evening how many houses he owns, responded in a serious tone, “I spent 5½ years in a prison cell; I didn’t have a house.” It is unknown whether the studio audience laughed in response. –JN

Meth-Mouths Jailed in Obama Assassination Plot
Depending on your sources & your level of paranoia, either a couple of racist dingbats were arrested around Denver’s trashier motels Monday, or an elaborate plot to assassinate Barack Obama was busted up by clever Colorado cops. In any case, a trio of local losers is now in jail (again), and at least one of them mumbled something about wanting to murder our new president.

Aurora Police arrested the first man early Sunday morning after a routine traffic stop. During the traffic stop, officers found two rifles, boxes of ammunition, one rifle scope, a bulletproof vest, walkie-talkies and methamphetamines. Gartrell is being held in the Arapahoe County jail in lieu of $50,000 bond and has a felony criminal record.

Well … are these just normal rural Westerners out for a “good time” or … ah, that’s the same thing. Jesus Christ. –Ken Layne

Offensive Cocktail Dress to Blame for Michelle Obama’s Failure of a Speech
Watching Michelle Obama’s speech last night, you might have been struck by how deeply shameful it is that such an obviously smart and decent person must repeatedly assure the public of her patriotism so that a nation of suspicious and resentful idiots doesn’t think she’s planning to bomb their local scrapbooking club with a Socialist Black Muslim Virus. Or you might have looked at her dress and thought, well, whatever the fuck Leslie Sanchez was thinking on CNN.com: “Is it the dress or what’s in it? Michelle Obama covered the key milestones but the image of her in a cocktail dress left us wondering.” –SKS

Hillary Clinton’s Big Convention Speech
It’s Hillary’s Big Night, and everybody’s wondering what she’ll tell her aggrieved and anxious supporters who felt Disrespected by the Process. Let’s watch and see how this drama unfolds….

10:38 PM — OH SHIT, IT’S ON, BITCHES. Biographical clip … ROLL. Lots of photos of Hillary looking hot back in the day.

10:40 PM — Hillary Rodham Clinton is not an astronaut. This is the essential tragedy of America. Rousing applause, Hillary signs, and there’s Chelsea, in a cocktail dress. So frivolous. Holy shit, is that an orange pantsuit? Bold move. Where are the reaction shots of the ladies weeping? This lady is almost weeping. It is so easy to get emotional at these events. Hillary and Chelsea look like Halloween together.

10:43 PM — For God’s sake, Hillary, the take-home message from the reception here is that people want to like you. So please do not ruin everything, again. Oh God she looks so sad. This is horrible.

10:46 PM — “The time is now to unite as a single party, with a single purpose.”

10:47 PM — Brief review of the resume … . Do not mess this up, PUMAs, she says. “No way, no how, no McCain.”

10:48 PM — Here comes the part where she talks about people grabbing her sleeve. No? Nope. “We love you,” shouts a random Clintard. Oh maybe now the sleeve-grabbing? A single mom, two kids, autism, cancer, painted bald head … . This is the most tragic woman in America, and Hillary Clinton found her.

10:51 PM — “All 50 states, Puerto Rico, and the territories.” Did you know that Puerto Rico voted for Hillary? Cause they totally did. Sisterhood of the Traveling Pantsuits, ha.

10:53 PM — Aack those fucking green collar jobs. That is the worst term since Information Superhighway. Oh here comes a big long Clintonian laundry list, except without statistics, so it’s a little more palatable.

10:55 PM — We came to the Pepsi Center today instead of sitting in a bar for this (so tempting!) because we thought the atmosphere was going to be really weird … fraught and resentful and joyous but a little, you know, like a room full of angry women who have had one too many cups of coffee and Bailey’s … and instead it’s just sort of warm and welcoming. Oh well. On the plus side, Hillary Clinton just called all her die-hard supporters SELFISH, basically, for caring more about Hillary Clinton than the troops and the ladies with the painted bald cancer heads.

10:57 PM — And on that somber note we pass it over to our pal Jim Newell. –SKS

Still with Hillary Clinton’s ‘Unity’ Speech
Hillary Clinton is the most orange woman alive tonight. “Orange” is the color of Unity, and Barack Obama. Are the PUMAs buying it? No, because they’re sociopaths.

10:58 — Hillary’s speech: kind of like the other speeches, but read by Hillary, so people are paying attention.

11:01 — Oh, she loves Michelle Obama. Are they friends? Ha ha, fuck no, they hate each other.

11:03 — “John McCain is my friend, but you need to know something: He masturbates to Transformers figurines in furry outfits.”

11:04 — She’s heatin’ up! She says something about ladies’ rights and that is by far the most important thing to every Democrat.

11:04 — “George W. Bush is a real nut.”

11:05 — There was a 19th century leader, she says, who took slaves and brought them to freedom in New York. Her name: Hillary Clinton. Rodham Tubman.

11:06 — “Let’s elect Barack Obama.” OK! Heckuva speech, Hillary. You are everyone’s favorite orange politician tonight. –JN

Novak Is Back!
After a busy summer of running over a bum and being diagnosed with a brain tumor, Robert Novak quit his regular column gig. But now he’s back with an “occasional” thing saying Vinegar Joe Lieberman would doom the McCain ticket. Don’t listen, Walnuts! Pick Holy Joe! –KL

Wednesday

Bill Clinton’s Concession Speech
It was a hard-fought primary, but in the end, Bill Clinton’s old Arkansas magic just couldn’t work another time. So now he’s stuck with a boring old prime time slot on the second-to-the-last night of the convention, yammering about national security when he really wants to talk about math and numbers and dollars like he did in the ’90s. Let’s see how he muddles through … .

9:03 PM — If there are Democrats in this audience who hate Bill Clinton for his tacky behavior during the primaries, they are being drowned out by all the screaming middle-aged women who still want to get with him. God, he is still more popular than his wife, isn’t he?

9:04 PM — “I am here as a proud mother, as a proud wife … .” Ha ha, just kidding. Well, he got the support for that other guy out of the way pretty quickly.

9:06 PM — Multiple reassurances that he and Hillary will not do anything terribly obvious to sabotage the Obama candidacy.

9:10 PM — Michelle Obama does not like this man at all. Her seething distrust is visible even on the 75% obscured Jumbotron across the hall.

9:12 PM — “Barack Obama is ready to be president of the United States.” Now was that so hard? He is talking about leveraging things now, and global warming and biological weapons. But enough about Obama! Let’s talk about how Bill Clinton singlehandedly defeated AIDS, with his many corporate sponsors.

9:16 PM — “Wonderful new jobs for our young people.” Well, that sounds nice. We’ll take three! Oh, nice line — something about the power of our example rather than the example of our power. Now everyone in the audience wants to have sex with Bill Clinton and USA!

9:18 PM — Ooh, Angry Bill Clinton came tonight. Finally Michelle cracks a smile. This arena is too large for everyone to shout “Yes we can!” in unison. It echoes around the hall. Tomorrow night will be a disaster.

9:20 PM — He has a great talent for explaining things in a way that makes sense to stupid people. This is a vital talent for any American politician, and one we fear is lacking in Barack Obama, who “trusts in people’s intelligence” or whatever. Like this bit that Clinton just said about “the Republicans want us to reward them for the last eight years with four more” — reward and punishment, even morons get that. Labrador retrievers get that.

9:23 PM — Clinton: I was young before Barack Obama was young. But we are maybe too hard on him. He still gives a good speech, and lays it all out very simply and forcefully.

9:25 PM — Next up, some boring live sex shows until Biden comes out on a carpet of human hair. Stay tuned. –SKS

Joey Biden’s Denver Stand-Up Special
Here he is, the Big Guy, the “bruiser,” Joe Biden, in his 20th HBO Special, “Ize Gonna Be Viceys.” He’s always makin’ the jokes, like “what’s up with these black Indians running all the articulate 7-Elevens?” He doesn’t even need a punchline, THE SETUP IS FUNNY ENOUGH. Let’s watch him make fun of his good friend, John “Walnuts” McCain, in his new role as Plagiarist Attack Dog.

8:19 — Here’s a lovely video about Joe, with his rowdy Catholic schoolmates. His wife died, but now he’s got this other gal, Jill, and she keeps him well. He’s a good father, says son Beau. Isn’t Bo like a horrible corporate lobbyist? Oh, right, “Beau.”

8:22 — [Several minutes of Joe Biden hugging homeless hole-diggers and old mothers.]

8:24 — Here comes Beau in real life, onto the stage. No, he is not the corporate lobbyist. Beau punishes robbers in Delaware.

8:25 — Beau says his father used to skip “fancy cocktail parties” in Washington to hang out with his kids in loser Delaware. Sure, Beau … Joe Biden never went to corporate lobbyist cocktail parties ever … nothing sponsored by credit card companies or actual whores made of tainted hundred dollar bills.

8:28 — Why the fuck is Beau asking us to babysit his 65-year-old father? Is he on Depends already?

8:29 — There’s Joe, WHAT IS HE WEARING?

Oh, just a blue tie, never mind. Remember how crudely orange Hillary Clinton was last night? She was like a BASKETBALL, she was just that orange.

8:31 — “Thank you thank you thank you. Jesus people, THANK YOU. Thank you. What is this, a CLAPPING FACTORY?”

8:32 — Ha ha, he’s already cursing. He said “Hell,” in the curse-y form, not in the “imaginary fire pit” form.

8:33 — He accepts the nomination. Thank God … this could’ve been a disaster!

8:35 — Joey B’s mom! When they showed her in this media filing room I’m in, all the reporters quietly laughed. Sick fucks. She’s just a nice old Irish gal.

8:36 — My mom used to make me beat the shit out of other children, he remembers.

8:39 — Now comes the segment of the speech where Biden will explain how Barry is the black Joe Biden. Joe Biden was born in a working-class poor town, Barack Obama took his college degree and moved to one! Oh, this bizarre American fabric.

8:43 — “I fuck John McCain regularly. But what is going on with this clown now, eh?”

8:46 — Isn’t he supposed to be talkin’ more guff ’bout John McCain? Enough about the damn energy green collars. This country will never have jobs.

8:48 — Oh look, he’s talking about Russia and Georgia, and calls the Bush administration’s policy there an “absymal failure.” That must be one of his “zingers.”

8:50 — Now he’s just ranting about foreign policy and shitting all over grammar.

8:51 — We’ve watched Sebelius, Clinton, Bayh, Strickland, Warner, et cetera and so on, and so far Joe Biden is the only Democratic politician that doesn’t seem like a total fraud when he’s talking seriously.

8:53 — Oh look, it’s Barry!

8:54 — Good God, he really puts that mouth close to Joe when they’re embracing.

8:56 — That Barry is so smooth.

8:57 — Finally, this convention has some energy. Bill Clinton stares at Barry with that patented “open-mouthed half-retard” look of fraudulence.

8:59 — Walks offstage, tongues Nancy Pelosi, grimly shakes John Kerry, man-braces Bob Casey, and lo and behold, at the end of the stage there are at least 900 generations of the Biden family, all from the tri-state area and literally all female. Little girls, 90-year-old women, 50-year-old wives, and lastly, some utter dishes whose age we have no desire to determine, the end, goodnight. –JN

Thursday

No Obama Tickets? John McCain’s Still Got Plenty for His Thing!
The hottest ticket in America tonight is Barack Obama’s all-star oldies concert at Denver’s Mile High Stadium, during which he will sink a thousand three-pointers from downtown Ancient Athens. But don’t feel bad about missing history or whatever, because John McCain is also having some sort of sporting facility event, on Friday — he will appear with his veep pick at “Wright State University’s Nutter Center” in some little town in Ohio. Ha ha, it is called “Nutter Center.” Anyway, there are only 10,000 tickets available, and they’re all pretty much still available. Cindy McCain may pay you a hundred bucks and a vicodin just to keep a seat warm for an hour. –KL

Only the Most Important Speech Ever
Hey, HERE’S A HINT: when you go to get a lemonade at Invesco Field, don’t leave your bag in your seat, because the SECRET SERVICE will take it.

10:34 — What’s been going on in this 950-minute speech? Guess what … we think he’s about halfway through. Snooze.

10:35 — Oh look, we made it for the standard “five million green collar jobs” line that has been in every speech of this terrible Democratic convention.

10:37 — God, he is constantly talking about his mother with cancer tonight. The question is, did she have it for FIVE AND A HALF YEARS? Otherwise, John McCain is more of a maverick.

10:38 — Protect bankruptcy laws! Which Joe Biden shat all over a few years ago!

10:39 — He wants his fathers … to have the same opportunities … as your sons. How about this: Just Say No to old people.

10:40 — You heard him, folks: Turn off your teevees, or he’ll bat you with his hopecock.

10:41 — “Temperament” should be used in every speech against McCain. Nice that people are learning this.

10:42 — “The president must not keep grasping the ideas of the past.” Meaning Barack Obama was against the Iraq war before it started, in the future.

10:43 — “We are the party of Kennedy. Don’t tell me that Democrats won’t protect this country.” But doesn’t he know that Democrats became gay and black in 1968 or so?

10:44 — He will start new friendships or something, around the world. Slut. But really, who are these new friends?

10:45 — Line about how candidates should not challenge each other’s patriotism, and a reporter in this media filing room clapped. It is a terribly liberal media, this. Oh wait, he’s just some asshole in a T-shirt and Nikes. Huh. How did this asshole get in the filing room? How did we get in here while we’re targets of the Secret Service? These questions, and more. Obama! He is talking like what.

10:47 — “Don’t tell me we can’t stop people from holding AK-47s.” We can’t stop people from holding AK-47s.

10:49 — He wants gays to be allowed entry into hospitals. Whoa whoa whoa … one thing at time there, changebot.

10:50 — “This election has never been about me — it’s about you.” Ooh, so if he wins, then we get to press the special red nuking button. I call first MOTHAFUCKA, and I’m nuking like Greenland or Spain or what the fuck.

10:51 — Change means new politics. This must be a last minute thought, just thrown in before he walked onto the stage, because it’s JUST THAT FRESH.

10:53 — He is just repeating shit. And yes, it is “the American spirit” that keeps foreigners “coming to our shores.” Coming to our shores and 9/11ing us!

10:55 — He’s talking about a famous preacher from the past, Jeremiah Wright.

10:56 — That was kind of an anticlimactic end. But uh, it sounded nice, if people paid attention to the whole thing, which they didn’t. God this is seriously the biggest stadium of all time. Now Ken and Sara and I will take the three-hour commute back to our car that is 2.4 miles away. –JN

Friday

Who Will Be Doomed McCain Pick?
Enough of boring old Barack Obama. Who will be McCain’s first black female vice president under the age of 40? Nobody knows! All the news reports are about various people who say they will not be veep! We got yer Sarah Palin, yer Tim Pawlenty, and our boyfriend Mike Murphy said on the MSNBC half an hour ago that his pal on the Romney campaign declares it isn’t Mitt, either. So it’s either Lieberman or a humble roasted chicken. –SKS

VPILF Sarah Palin Greeting America!
Yikes, the entire world is trying to read about Sarah Palin on wonkette.com right now! So crazy. She’s a pretty girl, so we guess she’s qualified to be president! But good lord we did not realize she had such a squeaky voice.

12:19 PM — McCain is in a … high-school auditorium? Cameras won’t show anything beyond the floor.

12:19 PM — McCain looks like he got a skin peel and a suntan, or he’s slathered in orange makeup.

12:20 PM — Now he’s getting angry at the small crowd for singing him “Happy Birthday.”

12:21 PM — “Read My Book!”

12:21 PM — So many empty seats! All the bleachers are empty.

12:21 PM — Ha ha, he wants to “shake up Washington.” Maybe he could remodel his houses there!

12:22 PM — Now he’s promising all his rejected GOP guy buddies various pretend positions in his pretend administration.

12:22 PM — Soon we’ll see how high Sarah Palin stands over lil’ John McCain.

12:24 PM — Tough to see if he’s on a podium. Anyway, get it over with, Walnuts! Bring her out. Everybody watching already knows Palin’s on the ticket.

12:25 PM — “She’s a standout high-school point guard.” Ha ha, he picked a running mate based on high-school basketball skills. Will Sarah and Barack have a shooting debate?

12:25 PM — “A mother of five.” CHEERS! Hell yeah this woman can have a lot of kids!

12:31 PM — Palin about her husband: “And he’s a world-class snowmobile racer!” Jesus, she’s at a junior high pep rally.

12:39 PM — She seems like a super lady, and we have always loved her, but dear god Joe Biden is going to eat her for breakfast.

12:40 PM — Ha ha, she can’t pronounce “heroism.”

12:44 PM — Oh good god, listen to this pandering for Clinton lady voters.

12:45 PM — Well, there we go. Her job is to tell Hillary voters they need to vote for McCain. Might be a bit too late for all that, after last night. And then there’s the whole thing about Hillary being a socialist liberal.

12:47 PM — Hooray for our GILF! She finally made the sorta big leagues! –KL

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